Tag Archives: Relationships

Getting to Know You…

date 0 300x235 Getting to Know You...

Let’s look at a few scenarios:

Scenario 1: A man and woman go out on a first date.  They catch a hilarious movie, and exchange small talk before and during the movie.  After the movie, they go to a wine bar for drinks and conversation.

Scenario 2: An attractive, young, professional woman meets a man who seems to “have it all together.”  On the surface, he meets all of her standards and criteria.  After a couple of dates, she decides to friend him on Facebook, follow him on Twitter, and stalk check out his tweets and status messages from time to time.  She finds that he acts one way with her, yet his tweets and status updates depict an insecure, misoginistic, guy with a potty mouth and a slight obession with Justin Bieber.

Scenario 3: A man and woman, who just met two weeks ago, have been having lunch together 3-4 times a week ever since.  Each lunch date consists of laughs, jokes, discussions on intriguing topics, and deep conversation.

Scenario 4: A couple has been dating exclusively for 2 months.  The relationship is new.   The guy describes his girlfriend as kind, patient, and down to earth.  The lady describes her boyfriend as caring, sweet, and patient.  One day, the woman decides to treat herself to a $150 pair of shoes.  Upon leaving the mall, the woman’s car won’t start.   She calls her man to pick her up.  He just sat in the chair at the barbershop, and said he’ll be there as soon as he gets out the chair.  She hangs up on him.  When he finally arrives, she gets in the car with a visible attitude, clutching her shopping bags, and makes a snarky remark toward him.  He makes a snarky remark back.  They end up arguing in the car and cussing each other out.  During the argument, they both call each other out their names.

Scenario 5: A woman meets a man at a lounge, and is really interested.  They exchange numbers, and agree to go out on a date.  Before going out on a date, the woman decides to look up the man one of those “people finder” sites (that shows public court documents, criminal history, etc.), and finds that he has a criminal record due to a incident that occurred 10 years prior.

Now…

Out of all these scenarios, (assuming the goal is getting to know someone else and not to just end up in a relationship) which one do YOU believe is the ideal way to really get to know someone?

You Can Help It!!!

103742269 300x199 You Can Help It!!!

Ahhh, yes, the old routine.  You meet someone.  You fall in love.  The relationship seems great.  Then you break up only to realize that the whole thing was a match made in heaven… that set the fires in hell (shout out to Lupe).

Normally, when we reflect on old relationships, post-breakup, we always tend to self-soothe with all sorts of clichéd sayings and old adages:

“It wasn’t meant to be.”

“I should have recognized the signs.”

“If they cheat with you then they will cheat on you.”

“You can’t help who you fall in love with.”

That last statement is rubbish… foolery… complete and utter shullbit… It’s simply not true and, in fact, is a cop out.  Because the fact of the matter is… you CAN help who you fall in love with.  How can you help it?  Glad you asked.  Our two words for the day, class, are choice and action.  Let’s look deeper at these:

Choice: A man and woman meet.  They choose to exchange contact information.  Man (or woman) chooses to contact the other.  The other chooses to answer the phone (or respond to the text/email).  They choose a time and place to go out on a date.  They choose to continue seeing each other.  They choose to enter into a relationship.

Action: A man and a woman meet.  Man asks for the woman’s number.  Woman gives man her number.  Man calls woman.  Woman answers man’s phone call.  Man and woman talk.  Man and woman go out on a date.  Man and woman continue to talk routinely.  Man and woman get involved physically.  Man and woman continue to spend time together.  Man and woman finally enter into a relationship.

Now let’s say the man doesn’t smoke, and the woman smokes at least 5 black n’ milds a day.   Suppose the woman is a Christian, and the man is part of the black, boughie chapter of the Illuminati… the Illuminatae, if you will.  Suppose the woman wants children and the man doesn’t.  Suppose the man is already in a relationship but “not happy,” while the woman is looking for something serious.  Suppose the woman isn’t looking for anything serious right now, and the man is.

All of these are things that you would either know up front or find out eventually (usually after a few conversations).  Once you know enough about someone, then you choose whether to continue talking and spending time with them.  Those choices lead to actions.  I am of the belief that love is not a feeling, but an action.  If you love then you give (whether financially, of your time, etc.).

So the more you choose to be involved with someone, then the more you will be involved with someone.  With all of that action, over the course of time, someone is going to catch feelings.  And of course someone is going to catch feelings when they choose to invest (action) so much time in what will cause feelings to develop.

So remember this concept the next time you find yourself either 1) about to become involved with someone you’re not particularly sure about, or 2) reflecting about a past relationship and trying to make sense of it all.

We choose who we get involved with… and we choose who we fall in love with.

Women Running Game

african american woman whispering to man 300x180 Women Running Game

“Of course I love you… I love all y’all!” – Jay-Z

All of us, at some point in our lives, have run game.  Some of you are closing the deal on a sold dream at this very moment.

I was reading a post on VSB.com about 5 things men say when we’re just running game.  I commented on the post, which turned out to be today’s post:  Women run game just as much as us guys.  Just like men use lines such as, “I’m not looking for a relationship,” and, “I’ve just been so busy,” women have their own set of phrases that could have been used by the man, Goldie, himself.

I present to you 5 of those phrases:

1) “Hi friend…” – any sentence, phrase, or question that begins with these two words is evil and should be avoided like Karrine Steffans at an All-Star after-party for any major sport.

2) “You’re so silly!” – Your humor makes her tingle.

3) “Sooo… what do you have up for the weekend?” – if you respond, “Nothing,” then you just fell into the trap. She’s fishing for any holes in your plans or free time you may have, wondering why you haven’t made plans to marry her or take her out.  By responding, “Nothing,” you have just made plans with her, and might as well have said, “Taking you out since I have all this free time, baaaaaaby!”

4) She offers to cook for you? Game! She knows that signature dish of her’s is gonna leave a lasting impression.
If she’s from N.O. or the Carribbean, there’s a 99% chance there’s something in the food that will have you proposing marriage by the night’s end and/or semi-stalking her.

5) [You’re such a good man] Why aren’t you married/taken/boo’d up yet? – Meaning, “What’s wrong you? There’s gotta be a reason you can’t maintain a good relationship. You got kids? How many babymama’s you got?  You been to jail?  Are you one of the “alternative lifestyle” fold?  Seriously, what’s wrong with you?”

What are some other things women tend to say that are really game?

Men’s Hidden Truth #1,294…

 rejecting man bar 300x199 Mens Hidden Truth #1,294...

So… You get home from work and go through the motions daily routine of talking to your significant other (whether on the phone or in person).  You get the redundant, expected info from her about her day: Irritating co-worker, what she had for lunch, blah, blah, blah, etc.  She’s on her spill when all of a sudden, she stops mid-sentence to say, “Oh, and guess who tried to holla at me today?” 

Homer Simpson:  Urge to kill… rising.

She then continues to go on about some gold-grill, extra crisply, Jerome-looking guy smelling like Sex Panther, who tried to talk to her.  She goes on about how lame he looked, the corny things he said, blah, blah, blah, etc.  Then she goes into the spill of how she turned him down and how she “HAS A MAN.”

Biggest backhanded compliment ever…

Guess what ladies?  We don’t wanna hear that sh**!

Why?  Glad you asked.  Cue up Earth, Wind, & Fire.  These are the reasons:

1. We know you’re frontin!  Sure, you’re quick  to complain and point out the Roland Martin lookin’ dude who tried to get at you… You tell us because you want us to get in the amen-corner with you on how he would have the audacity to even talk to you.  You feel he’s almost beneath you in a sense.  We understand.  Good for you.  A woman will be quick to mention to her man the uber-lame guys who approached her… but would you mention that Idris-Morris-Kodjoe-Bush (or whoever y’all ogle over nowadays) pulled up in a Ferrari, lavished you with compliments, and wanted to take you out?  Would you mention that for a second you thought about giving him the draws number, before turning him down because you have a man?  Exactly. 

2. We’re men.  We already know these things.  So you’re mad that some guy approached you in Walmart while your hair was pinned back/in a scarf, you had on sweats, and were in straight up lounge mode?  It’s a well known fact that men like azz.  And azz, last time I checked, looks especially great in sweat pants.  So I guess you could say… We’ll holla at anything!  You look like a clone of Macy Gray & Esther Role in the face, but got a fatty?  Holla! Holla!  Holla!  No makeup on and buckshots in your head?  We’re not trying to smash your buckshots!  Aunt Flo just came in town, you’re feeling bloated, and rockin’ one your worst fits?  Lemme get that nummmmba!  It’s a well known fact that every woman gets stared at, approached, commented on, glared at, etc, at least 2.5 times a day. 

3. Do you need a compliment?  Maybe your man doesn’t give you enough compliments.  Maybe he’s starting to take you for granted.  So casually letting him know that another guy wants you is letting him know that he needs to step his game up.  You could just let him know directly, but that would be too much like right.

4. You can dish it out, but can’t take it.  We don’t even have to mention Beyonce groped us in the elevator this morning.  All we have to do is mention how that sweater you bought us caused Precious to give us the effdashytouttayou eye… and you’ll be ready to cut her! 

So, ladies, remember this next time you think about telling your guy about who tried to holla at you.  We know we’re not the only guy who finds you attractive.  We just like to believe we are.  Stroke that ego, baby!  Stroke that ego!

Good night and good luck!

Soulmates, Gnomes, Unicorns, and The Tooth Fairy

older black couple 300x184 Soulmates, Gnomes, Unicorns, and The Tooth Fairy

So I’m wondering…
Is there a such thing as a soulmate,
Or is it a lemon dream that somebody sold me?
Is there a person whom God destined for me
Since I came out the womb and took my first steps like a probate?
Is it a fad or a gimmick?
If she’s at some type of party, church service, some type of function… I’m in it
I wonder how in the world can we be kindred spirits
When we both grown as h*ll and ain’t ever been out the city limits?!?!


Is there a such thing as a soulmate,
Or is it a lemon dream that somebody sold me?
It gets “cumber” with “some”
How can a lady be my earth when there ain’t nothing new under the sun?’
So if she’s the one that got away or, rather, she skidaddle’d
How do I know there ain’t three more like her somewhere in Seattle?
Perhaps she has a clone in Rome, or most certainly
A South African look-a-like, a doppelganger in Germany
I’m saying… is there a such thing as a soulmate,
Or is it a lemon dream that somebody sold me?
I guess the question’s rhetorical for the moment
Just my ramblings at 4:36 in the morning…

What do you think?  Do you believe in soulmates?  Do you believe you have found or come across your soulmate?  Leave a comment and join the discussion!

Lonely, Successful Black Women…

4709013 Lonely, Successful Black Women...

It’s an epidemic!

Or is it a few cases that cause mass hysteria?!

Apparently, the flavor of the day on blogs throughout the web, is a Washington Post article on Helena Andrews.   Helena is a  single, 29 year old, successful black woman, living in D.C.  She’s about to release a new book titled, “B*tch Is the New Black.”  It’s a memoir on the perils of being a successful, upwardly mobile, black woman.  There are also plans for a film based on the book. 

You can read the article here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/12/09/AR2009120904546.html

Also, www.verysmartbrothas.com has a great post on the issue/article.

Meanwhile, here are a few excerpts from the Washington Post article:

Andrews writes about what it is like for a young, black woman dating in D.C., trying to find a mate who seems ever elusive. The futile rituals are familiar: the dressing up, the eager cab ride over to the party, the hold-your-breath as you walk in, scanning the room quickly for any looks returned. The mantra sounding in the back of your head: “So-and-so found a man last year at a party like this. Maybe tonight is my night.” Then one by one, the men prove to be disappointments and disappointing: married, uninteresting or uninterested.

The disappointment as you end up at the bar once again, committing straw violence in your drink (stirring the drink frantically and unconsciously).

Andrews writes the truth of those nights. The truth is for too many, they never work out. Not for Andrews and not for her friend, Gina, who is a prominent character in her life and in the book.

“For a lot of black women, especially young successful black women, we have a lot of boxes on our master plan list checked off,” Andrews says. “We think happiness should come immediately after that. But that is not always the case.”

Love is much too hard to find and when these women do, it may go all wrong because of issues that are too complicated for statistics, Andrews says. She is quick to say, “There are tons of black families who are healthy and good.” Even so, black women are more likely than white women to grow up poor or otherwise struggling financially; to be fatherless and to experience a myriad of other societal and/or familial dysfunctions. Ironically, the “issues” can also include being a “strong” woman: the can-do, opinionated type many black women become after growing up in a matriarchal household, the type with whom some men still just can’t deal.

“I have tons of friends who are extremely successful lawyers and lobbyists, staffers on the Hill. They are great at what they do. They are in their late 20s and early 30s,” Andrews says, sipping Ethiopian coffee. Her dog, Miles, is sitting beneath the restaurant table, whining softly.

“But there is loneliness at their jobs, because most likely they are the only black person there and people treat them like they are the only black person there. They dress a certain way. They go out on the weekend. . . . And still they end up going home, and it’s you and your d*mned dog.”

For my black women who feel like they fall into this category… I seriously believe this is a personal problem.  It isn’t an epidemic.  It’s just life.  Sure, you have your degree, a good job, a nice place, and a few of the finer things in life that may constitute “success.”  But just because you haven’t found a Barack Obama-type with swag doesn’t mean it’s hard out here for you.  Maybe your standards really are too high.  Maybe the fact that you have a degree and a job doesn’t really mean crap in the grand scheme of things.  What lies beneath your resume?  What other qualities do you bring to the table. 

Which brings us to my ode/parody of the Helena Andrews epidemic.  Cause after all, she just wants to be successful, right?

Beyonce:
I want the money,
Money and the cars,
Cars and the clothes, (and to be)
Betrothed! (Troooooothed!)
I suppose…
I just want to be… I just want to be successfullllllll
I just want I to be… I just want to be successfulllllll

Helena:
Awww yeah B, I effin’ feel ya
They be staring at the B.A. like it’s unfamiliar
I got it and earned it, to me there’s nothing realer
Except this condo in the ‘burbs, something like a villa,
And when I leave, I always come right back here (alone)
The black woman that all of these black men fear,
I had me a winter boo, but that was last year
Dropped his a** quick, he was a muthaf*ckin’ cashier!
A thousand thread count sheets on my bed,
Quarters of creamy crack shape the perm in my head,
Take my attitude too serious, you hate me,
Cause I don’t feel a brutha who ain’t ballin’ with a J.D.
Yeah… I want it all that’s why I strive for it
Text me, and you’ll never get a reply for it
Any Happy Hour, 1st Friday, I get fly for it
I know hubby’s coming, I just hope that I’m alive for him…

Dear Women (My Ode to Thee) Pt. 1

Shaking My Head Dear Women (My Ode to Thee) Pt. 1

Dear Women,

My dear, dear women (sigh)… why do you do the things you do?

You walk out the house with that outfit on… cleavage popping out of your turtleneck… I try my best to keep eye contact, yet you take it as I’m trying to disrespect

Dear women,

My dear, dear women (sigh)… why do you do the things you do?

Your derriere is as wide as all out doors… daisy-dukes-spandex all over your butt… you walk in front of me, pulling your baby-tee down… and think that’s supposed to cover it up?

Dear women… my dear, dear women…

I woke up early in a good mood today… was feeling friendly so I said, “Hi.” … She translated it to, “Can I get your number?”… She thinks she’s a ten, but is just a five…

Dear women… my dear, dear women… SMH

You Are Not Alone

black dating 385x261 You Are Not Alone

Boy meets girl. 

Girl says she is single.

Girl is a lie.

Whenever you meet someone, and you seem to hit it off, always remember that you’re not the only one.  There is someone else in the picture.  If there isn’t someone else in the picture, there better be a good reason why that person doesn’t have anyone pursuing them… either that or you holla’d at a boogerwolf.

Who exactly is in the picture?  Glad you asked:

The Ex – Maybe he or she is getting over a breakup, but that ex is still in the picture in some way. 

The Boo – I hate this term by the way, but a lot of females I’ve run into like to use this term as the 2009-2010 version of someone who isn’t necessarily their boyfriend, but they’re still dating.  Any heterosexual guy doesn’t use this term by the way.  Women say boo.  Men say jump-off.

The Boyfriend/Girlfriend – Speaks for itself.  And just because they’re going through a “rough patch,” doesn’t negate the fact that they have a s/o.

The Pursuer/Friend – This holds true for women more so.  Every woman has at least one man who is pursuing her at all times.  She just got off the phone with him… and gave you her number an hour later.  Nothing wrong with that.  Just know that he’s there.  I would also like to add that 99% of men in the infamous friend zone started out as pursuers.

So what am I saying?  At any given time, you are in competition with at least one other person.  You start out as an option hoping to get chosen. 

To the readers out there, are you aware that you’re not the only one?  Are you comfortable with that fact?  Are you willing to compete?

The Pre-Date…

Firstdate3 main Full The Pre Date...

First dates suck. 

You take this big risk, get dressed up, and do all of this planning to get to know a person who actually isn’t even showing up to the date (shout out to 1st date representatives)!  If you go to the movies, you can’t actually converse with your date.  You don’t want to simp spend a lot of money on an expensive dinner.  You want to think outside of the box and do something different without being thought of as weird.  Really… who wants to play paintball on a first date? 

There is an easy solution to this:  The Pre-Date.

It’s so brilliant!  I don’t know why I hadn’t thought of it before!  A Pre-Date works like this:  You meet up and do something casual just to see if you would like to continue on to an actual 1st date.  There is no pressure on the man to pay or leave his wallet at home accidentally.  Just do something casual, and go Dutch. The something casual could be something as simple as meeting for drinks after work.  You can get all of the awkward, preliminary 1st date questions out of the way… Questions such as, “So, what’s your plan for the next 5 years?  Do you plan on getting married? Have you ever, out of your own free will, done crack? Swallow much?”  It’s also a great opportunity to see if you have any kind of chemistry.  And if you hit it off?  Congratulations!  You have successfully completed and qualified during the application/pre-screening process.  You will now be granted an interview… and we all know how much we lie exaggerate in interviews.

Here are some great ideas for a Pre-Date:

1)  Happy Hour/Drinks After Work – Not only do you get alcohol, but you get to see if they really have a job or not.  Plus a drink or two can allow both of you to relax.

2) Coffee Shop – Same as happy hour but minus the booze.

3) Lunch – Before deciding on going to dinner, why not have lunch?  Just like meeting for drinks after work, it’s a great way to see someone in their element. 

So, to everyone out there, what are some other good ideas for a Pre-Date?

Simping vs. Pursuing/Persistence

urkel jaleel white Simping vs. Pursuing/Persistence

Tired of falling for the okey-doke?  One of those guys who continually falls into the abysmal Friend Zone?  Don’t know when to give up or when she’s playing hard to get?

Today’s post is for you.

Ahh, the age old debate of simping vs. pursuing.  When are you simping on a woman?  When is it just good, old fashioned persistence?  Let’s break it down:

Simping can go so many different ways and be so many different things, but I believe it boils down to two things:

1) You’re going out of your way and doing things for a female who has no interest in you whatsoever OR

2) You’re being coerced into going out of your way and doing things for a female who has no interest in you whatsoever.. i.e. Falling for game…

Some would say that tricking is simping. I say, yeah, if you’re just an average 9-5 working guy. Average 9-5 working guys take ladies out to dinner & a movie. When your bank account allows you to do whatever the f— you want to do, then average things for you seem outlandish to the average 9-5 working guy. A rich guy’s dinner & a movie may be flying a chick he just met out to Miami for dinner, a movie, and shopping. ;o)

Persistence, on the other hand, is just that… persistence. You actually have a shot, but you have to work for it. You have a fighting chance, but you have to be smart at the same time. A female with good game can show just enough interest (in order to get what she wants) and have you thinking you’re in Persistenceville… when you’re actually in Simptropolis. Persistence is, “I just called to hear your voice and see how your day was going.” Simping is, “I had a good time on our date, which you seemed to not enjoy… so can I pay your phone bill?”

“But, SouthernCharm,” you ask,  “How do you know when it’s just her playing hard to get where you should stay being persistant or when you’ve went to Simptropolis and became her attention whore. Because tricking may not come in the form of money. You could just be that dude that tickles her fancy.”

Ahh, good question, sport.  See, that’s when intentions come into play. Those with the best game are the best at hiding their intentions. Whenever you do something nice for a female, she’s thinking, “What are his intentions? Is he really sweet or just doing this to get closer to the booty?” Whenever a female shows interest, we think, “Is she really feeling me or is she trying to get something out of me?”

Example: We’re at Kotos. Ricco is talking to his homegirl. It’s her birthday. He buys her a drink. Her sloppy drunk, top-heavy, exotic-looking friend insists… not asks… but insists that he buys the crew her a drink. She saw him buy her a drink, and pounced on the opportunity. Her intentions were clear. Ricco sees through it & stiff arms her… 2 hours later, same chick is being carried out of the establishment.

Getting back to your original question. When you meet someone, you have to assume that there is at least one person they are either involved with, who is in the picture, or who is pursuing them along with you. Persistence is doing something to stand out from whoever is in the picture already. But persistence pays off. Simping is like the horse chasing the carrot. If I meet a chick, we spend a lot of time on the phone, but she’s never available… red flag. If we spend time here and there, but there’s no physical interest shown… red flag.

Sometime it’s as simple as, “Yo I think you’re a good looking person. You seem cool. Let’s get to know each other better.” The end result is sex, a relationship, or, “You know what? You’re cool but not as cool/good looking/successful as I would like… so I’m going to look for an upgrade.” The games come into play when you look for an upgrade while keeping that person at arm’s length.

But, SC,” again you say, “What do you mean by, “If we spend time here and there, but there’s no physical interest shown… red flag.”???

I’ll let Ricco, bring it home:

I think SC’s made some great points about distinguishing between the land of “simptropolis” and “persistenceville.” Admittedly, the lines can be very blurry and even the best playa has unwittengly been caught on the wrong side of the tracks during his lifetime.

I think SC makes a good point about spending lots of time together, but there’s no phyical contact. Physical/sensual contact is likely the most important distinction between being “just a friend” and being “something more” (especially at our age). If there is no show of physical contact (could be as simple as holding hands or a peck on the cheek, doesn’t have to be straight to the sheets), you should be wary about being on the road to simptropolis. This doesn’t mean that on the first date, you guys should be trying to get busy in the backseat, but its something you gotta gauge.