Caucasian Genres (Movies that wouldn’t be good as a Black Version)

I was thinking of movies that wouldn’t be good if there was a black version.  And I came to a conclusion that it’s not movies that don’t make sense in a black version.  I have to rule out whole genres.

Romantic Comedies -

Now I know most of you are thinking about those movies of the Late 90′s early 2000′s that were like Tyler Perry Presents How Stella Got Her Wood While Getting Love and Basketball with her Best Man.  Those were more like Romantic Drama.  I’m talking about Romantic Comedies like 50 First Dates and Wedding Crashers.  Those movies would not work in a Black Version.  Let’s be honest after the 2nd date on 50 First Dates that cat woulda been like this “this chick is too crazy for me.  Plus she can’t remember I spent lobster on her last night.  I’m out!”  Then you got Wedding Crashers.  I was at a black wedding this past weekend.  Trust me them cheap people would have spotted a poser a mile away. “Um…no… We got food for 25 people who are you two?!!” Then they would have been escorted out by Pookie and ‘em.

Horror Movie -

This wouldn’t work because the movie would be too short.

Example:

House : GET OUT!

(People Leave)

The End

And don’t give that Blackbuster Bull they put on BET.  Leprechaun: In the hood It’s exactly what they call it a “HORROR”ible Commedy.  (ba dum ching)

Family Movies where the kids win -

Ice Cube and Bernie Mac have disappointed me.  I know Bernie Mac Never had a movie, but that show pissed me off.  There is no way those kids would have gotten away with the stuff they did in a real man’s house.   And come on Cube.  ”Ain’t no loving good enough to get burnt while I’m up in it.  Now that’s realer than Real Deal Holyfield.” – Snoop Dogg.  Oh his show was some bull too.  See our post on Minstreal Reality Shows.

So there are some of the Genres I think are strictly Caucasian.  Can you guys give me some more?

-Trillionaire Wood

Tags: 50 first dates, bernie mac, black movies, how stella got her groove back, ice cube, love and basketball, nerd at the cool table, nerds at the cool table, nerdsatthecooltable.com, snoop dogg, the best man, the wood, Trillionaire Wood, tyler perry, vibe, wedding crashers, white movies

Minstrel Reality Shows

Everybody that knows me, knows I don’t watch much TV.   My TV is usually on two channels:  Cartoon Network and HGTV.   I know… I know…   Cartoon Network + HGTV = SISSY!   Well I ain’t no punk!  Test me if you want!

Anyway.  I started flipping through channels and I landed on TVOne (A*K*A,  We’re better than BET but not really).  Well, I started seeing reality shows that were coming out.  I know I’ve been under a rock, so please don’t revoke my black card, but I didn’t know Al B. Sure had a reality show.

*editors note:  I did some more research and realized that he is actually a bachelor competing against other bachelors for… wait for it…  Omarosa!   You’ve got to be kidding me… LOL and other stuff.

And apparently Chilli from TLC does too.   Say it ain’t so Rozonda!!! She is trying find love in all the wrong places.  Then there is a show called NBA wives on MTV.  And I’m like wow is there a reality show for everything?

And so I thought if they can make reality shows for anything, I thought I would pitch some concepts.   You guys tell me what you think…

1.  REGULAR A$$ NINJA$-  We always see the shows where you got people living these ridiculously plush lives. They’re in a masion with the Magic City practice squad.  So I thought why not have a show called Regular Ninjas.  It’s really simple.  You follow a guy around on his normal day.  He gets up, goes to work, maybe works out in the evening, chills with his girl, and goes to bed.   Now I know you may think, “that’s boring and where is the drama?”.   But here is the kicker, HE’S BLACK AND SUCCESSFUL!  So that day actually is more like this…

a. He gets up late and has to think of an excuse because he is on his last strike.

b. He gets pulled over by the cops because obviously he stole that Hyundai.

c. He gets to work and is bombarded by a daily dose of you better be glad we still have quotas around.

d. Him and his girl get into because she’s black and that’s just what happens.  (foward all your hate mail to 123 Idontgiveacrap LN. ,  Your City, YS 12345)

e.  He goes to sleep pissed.

2. Regular A$$ Chicks

a.  See above

b. Add a few more gallons of drama because she is going to talk to her friends about the fight.

3.  Man We Oughta – This show is where instead of  walking away from that one friend that has never had your best interest at heart,  you actually listen to him.  Oh that should be fun.   I know there is a show on Cartoon Network like this called “Dude What Would Happen?”  *Warning side rant*  How in the heck you gone have a reality show on Cartoon Network?  That’s really starting to piss me off *side rant over*.  In that show you have three cats come up with stupid experiments and see what happens.  But here is the difference.  This isn’t any controlled experiment.  You just do it.   Like the show Jackass but with more club fights and probably some drug sales.

4.  Gut Punch -  This is a show where you just go around ruining dreams of people.  Like everyone that raps.  You just go and tell them just how wack they are.  If you can’t sing , act, playball we tell you.  And this show should start at a young age.   Like 10 and older.  Maybe we can salvage the future of the youth.

5.  You’re a Has Been, or a Never Was.  Stop it. -  On this show you go around and actually deny people reality shows that usually get them.   Like you go tell Lisaraye her show has been cancelled because she only famous for being a stripper in a movie.  Then you pour red paint on that d@mn white she wears all the freaking time.

So my fellow nerds help me come up with some more reality shows.

-Trillionaire Wood

Tags: Al B. Sure, cartoon network, Chili, HGTV, Lisaraye McCoy, Minstrel Show, NBA Wives, nerd at the cool table, nerd test, nerd testv, nerds at the cool table, nerdsathecooltable.com, reality tv, TVone

The South Shall Rise Again!

When I was in college, there was a dorm at my school called Confederate Memorial Hall.   Most of the time it was just called Confederate Hall, which I don’t need to tell you caused many a black people to look like the way Three Six Mafia described Chinese women’s vaginas.  It’s just something about the word “Confederate” that brings in thoughts of Kunta Kinte, and him being whipped into the name Toby. The reason for the name, Confederate Memorial Hall, was it was funded by the Daughters of the the Confederacy (DOC) as a memorial to the fallen soldiers of the Confederacy.

Well because of public outcry, the dorm’s name was changed to Memorial Hall. This was done without the DOC’s knowledge, and they sued (rightfully so).  Well Vandy was a little smart.  The university changed the name in all publications, but left the name on the building facade.  They didn’t want to have to give UDC back  the $50, 000 that was given to fund the dorm 72 years ago… Which in today’s dollars converts to about $2.2 million… or about a year’s tuition for one student …J/K…only a little.  :(

While I was in college, I followed the crowd on this one which was, “Screw them!  They made us slaves!”  Well now I have to go back on that previous idea.  Although slavery was a huge part of the Confederacy, I understand there were numerous other issues that caused that war.  And those men, at the time, died for their country fighting for what they believed in.   And if their people want to pay for a memorial for that, then I have to say that is all good to me… BUT…We have to see both sides of that:  The dark and the light.  Sadly, in most wars that are fought, only the winner gets to decide who was right.  I’m sure if the South had won, the North would have the same problems with memorials.

“Treason is all a matter of dates ” – From the Movie the Count of Monte Cristo.

I’ll add to that it’s a matter of outcome as well.

But I say all that to keep my topic in perspective.

VA Gov.  Bob McDonnell made the declaration that April will be “Confederate History Month”.  Now I can see where people would have a problem with this.  But let’s be clear (In my Obama voice)…  I think it is just as wrong not to have a Confederate History month as it is to not to have Black History Month.  He did it for a clear reason.  He wanted to honor the past and boost tourism for the state.  I don’t have a problem with that.  But here is my problem Bob…

How dare you not cite the roll of slavery?  Now Bob I don’t have a problem with you honoring your people, but don’t you dare not tell the whole truth.  Keep it real son!

I think Martin Luther King was one of the greatest men to walk the Earth.  We honor him as well as all black pioneers during Black History month.  But let’s be honest.  MLK smoked, and he messed around with other women.  That’s the truth, and we would do ourselves a disservice not to tell the whole truth no matter how ugly it is.

I’m probably thinking too much on this one when I think about Bob’s merits.  (Which I tend to do)  But to me that is very careless and mildly racist.

So I don’t have any problem with what you do.  I say leave the name Confederate Memorial Hall.  I say have your Confederate Month.  But don’t forget my heritage in the process.

Wood has Spoken.

-Trillionaire Wood

Tags: Bob McDonnell, Confederacy, Confederate Memorial Hall, Martin Luther King, nerd at the cool table, nerds at the cool table, nerdsatthecooltable.com, slavery, Trillionaire Wood, United Daughters of the Confederacy, Vanderbilt

Dude! Where’s my David?

This year marks my 10 year High School Reunion, and I’m sure this will be an interesting event.  Watching people compare their lives with their peers…  Seeing who has done well…  Seeing who has not…  Seeing how Agnes burst out that 300lb cocoon of fat, braces, and think glasses to become jet beauty of the week…  Seeing who reverted back to a Neanderthal…  Seeing who is still reminiscing on the 4 touch downs they scored in a single game.   Like I said…

This is going to be interesting.

But I won’t lie, I did take some time to think about the last ten years of my life, the ups, the downs, and the in-betweens.  And I asked myself, “Is this where I wanted to be?”  The answer is simple:  Hell no!  I was “conversating” with my boy the other day and he put it all into perspective.  He asked the question… “Where is my David?”

I asked him to explain himself.  He went on to say that David was one of Michelangelo’s greatest masterpieces and he created by the age of 25.  Now I’ve done some great things in my day, but to create a sculpture that has been world renown for centuries has far surpassed that one legendary house party I threw that everybody came to.

Well, this is put up or shut up time.  I could have taken time to do the usual stuff people do.  Make excuses as to why I don’t have my masterpiece…my poor background, Michelangelo isn’t the norm, etc.  But I decided to ask myself constructively why I hadn’t created my David, and I implore you to ask yourself the same.  These are the reasons I feel like my David is still a huge block of marble…

1. No focus… I, like most people at this point in my life, spent a lot of time on delusions of grandeur.  Not that dreams aren’t great.  But stop dreaming and get to work.  Time.  “she keeps on passin’ me by”.

2. You slacker… I bet if anyone looks at their life they don’t realize just how much time their wasting.  I mean you are reading a blog right now from a no-talent writer and I’m sure there is something more important you could be doing.

3.   No plans… I don’t know how many times I have heard, “N!gga we about to be big on this scene!!!”  Usually it surrounds the entertainment industry:  Rapping, promoting etc.  Like black people are only limited to that industry. (That’s another post entirely).  And generally their plans are worse than the underpants gnomes.

4.  Too much fear… But what if I fail?   So what?!!  Learn from it, get up, and keep it moving.  Stop being a little Kobe ( it’s my new word for b!tch)

My fellow nerds what other advice do you have for me to inspire me to get my David done?

I’ll be back to read after I sit on the couch daydreaming about my many hustles that I won’t write down because I don’t feel like it and I’m too scared to try.

- Trillionaire Wood  a*k*a Wood the Great.

Tags: al bundy, cool, high school, life plans, married with children, michelangelo, nerds, nerds at the cool table, reunion, southpark, table, the david, Trillionaire Wood, underpants gnomes

Soulmates, Gnomes, Unicorns, and The Tooth Fairy

So I’m wondering…
Is there a such thing as a soulmate,
Or is it a lemon dream that somebody sold me?
Is there a person whom God destined for me
Since I came out the womb and took my first steps like a probate?
Is it a fad or a gimmick?
If she’s at some type of party, church service, some type of function… I’m in it
I wonder how in the world can we be kindred spirits
When we both grown as h*ll and ain’t ever been out the city limits?!?!

Is there a such thing as a soulmate,
Or is it a lemon dream that somebody sold me?
It gets “cumber” with “some”
How can a lady be my earth when there ain’t nothing new under the sun?’
So if she’s the one that got away or, rather, she skidaddle’d
How do I know there ain’t three more like her somewhere in Seattle?
Perhaps she has a clone in Rome, or most certainly
A South African look-a-like, a doppelganger in Germany
I’m saying… is there a such thing as a soulmate,
Or is it a lemon dream that somebody sold me?
I guess the question’s rhetorical for the moment
Just my ramblings at 4:36 in the morning…

What do you think?  Do you believe in soulmates?  Do you believe you have found or come across your soulmate?  Leave a comment and join the discussion!

Tags: love, nerds at the cool table, Relationships, soulmates, valentine's day

Haiti Earthquake = God’s Will?

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or your George  W. Bush circa 2005 Hurricane Katrina your life has been enveloped in the crisis in Haiti…

Well of course you’re getting hit from all sides on this tragedy. 

Some people say don’t give because we are already giving money through income tax.

Some people say give because it’s right the right thing to do.

If there is an opinion on this issue, it has been voiced.  And you have had a chance to weigh in on it.

But I must say their are two opinions that seems to pull me in every time.

 One made by Pat Robertson of the 700 Club.  Mr. Robertson has said on his show…

“Something happened a long time ago in Haiti and people might not want to talk about it,” the televangelist said. “And they got together and swore a pact to the Devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’ True story. And so the Devil said, ‘Okay, it’s a deal.’ . . . But ever since they have been cursed by one thing after another.”

So basically he’s saying they are cursed for what they did.  I’m not a fan of this comment because it’s based on speculative history.

But this is the one that really got me.

Rev. Eric Toussaint while addressing his congregation is quoted as saying…

“Why give thanks to God? Because we are here,” “What happened is the will of God.”

Now I could be totally misreading his  quotes and he may be saying that them surviving was the will of God, but it seems like he is saying the earthquake was the will of God.  That is about as believable as the plot for the movie Legion.

I have to say I’m totally in disagreement with both men.  I don’t believe that God goes around handing out punishment like water.  God loves us.  You can’t tell me in one breath God would give his only son so that the world be saved then go around killing people because he was angry with you or you made a pack with the devil.

What do you guys think?  Was the earthquake the will of God? 

-Trillionaire Wood

Tags: 700 Club, cool, earthquake, George W. Bush, Haiti, Hurrican Katrina, nerds, nerds at the cool table, nerdsatthecooltable.com, Pat Robertson, Rev. Eric Toussaint, table, Trillionaire Wood

Another Year…And a better me.

Today I have reached a new birthday.  I am 2* and feeling good. 

As I get older, I’m starting to understand that those things that your parents say, you’ll understand much better when you’re older.  Things that use to matter just don’t matter as much.  And things that didn’t matter in the past, matter so much more now.

The one thing that I can say about gettin golder is the best part about this moment is learning to not take things so seriously.  When I finally got that revelation, my life became so much better.  And if anyone has known me for a long time then they realize that was not a simple accomplishment. 

But it feels good to not feel obligated to go out.  Sometimes I just like to sleep. 

It feels good to walk away from an argument and not care that I didn’t win.  I always ask myself, “Will it matter tomorrow?”.

It  feels good to be comfortable about the fact that I like cartoons and I don’t give a crap who knows it.  (Don’t tell anybody else.)

Well this week as I was reaching the momentous occasion, I ran across one of those fowarded e-mails.  The one’s that tell you that if you don’t forward your computer will blow in 5 seconds or that God will stop loving you.  And I think it’s appropriate for anyone reaching a new age and wants to be a better person.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay ‘them.’

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning.  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name isAlzheimer’s.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh  often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6… The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:  If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.

Happy Birthday to me and Happy Early Birthday to you all.

-Trillionaire Wood

Tags: birthday, forwarded e-mails, nerds at the cool table, nerdsatthecooltable.com, Trillionaire Wood

Worst Pick-up Lines Part 1 (holla, holla, holla)

Let me start off by saying I have no game.

I mean I see guys on TV and out that just seem to know how to say the right thing at the right times to ladies.  I’m not one of those guys. 

When I do manage the courage to actually talk to a lady it usually comes out as a run on sentence in a crackling teenage voice that goes a little like… “ITHINKYOURCUTECANIHAVEYOURNUMBERANDTAKEYOUSOMETIMEPLEASE!”

Yeah not the hotness at all.  Sorry to any woman I ever hit with that game.  Well as bad as that sounds, I have heard friends tell me lines they have used and lines that have been used on them that make my sad attempt sound like Shakespeare.

Here are some of my favorites.

Don’t be affraid to get wet.

Say B!tch.  What’s your name? (followed by “F*** you then”, when she doesn’t respond)

Guh, you shaped like a coke bottle.  Lemme know when u want me to pop the top and sip.

Girl you got a big booty, can I have your number?  (She then turns to look at the creature that spewed the nonsense).  Aw you cute too.  WTF???

Oooh Girl he got gold teeth!  I know you got money!

I really could gone on all day with these.  But I really want to hear some of the things that have been said to you that would make you “loose your religion”.

I’ll post the best ones tomorrow.

-Trillionaire Wood

Tags: game, Holla, nerd at the cool table, nerds at the cool table, nerdsatthecooltable.com, pick-up lines, Trillionaire Wood

Attraction-Harassment Scale

Tags: Attraction-Harassment Scale, bad guy, Barney Stinson, crazy-hot scale, How I Met Your Mother, nerd at the cool table, nerds at the cool table, nerdsatthecooltable.com, nice guy, Trillionaire Wood

Utterly Embarrased

So, I was at the court house this week.  I’m sure anyone who has been at a courthouse for any reason has witnessed society’s equivalent to Cirqe de Sole’.   The events at the courthouse led me to this question.  Have you ever been so embarrassed by your own race that you almost felt unworthy to look at someone from another race?  I’m talking about  that crawl under a pillow embarrassment.  Well I have, and it was this week.

I’m sitting outside the court room and I just saw some of the most ignant (yes I said ignant) crap I’ve ever seen in my life.  This one guy walks around the corner and is in full n*gga garb.  He had on a fake fur coat, nappy braids, a hat, and gold teeth.  GOING TO COURT!!!  I mean if you looked up n*gga in the dictionary, his picture would be there next to T-Pain’s, Lil Wayne’s, Al Sharpton, and Jesse Jackson.  Anyway this is how our story begins.

He comes around the corner on his speaker phone talking about he is about to get a divorce.   Not only that, he is cussing loud, he’s late, and he has to be asked to remove his hat.  Now I know I’m being judgmental.  But I’m almost positive he knows the rules of the court.  Then when he gets ready to go in he tells the court officer, “I’ll be back let me go take care of this restraining order thing first.”  Wait!  You are late for court, and then you tell them to wait on you??!!  Get the heck outta here!

Oh I’m not done.  Then he starts walking in and out of the court room because he keeps getting calls.  TURN YOUR PHONE OFF!  ARE YOU INSANE?  EVER HEARD OF CONTEMPT???  So on the 5^th or 6^th occurrence of walking out of the court room he runs into one of his friends.  I believed if there was a female form of the word n*gga, her picture would be next to it along with Khia, New York, Jackie-O, and Souljah Girl (Youtube, “Souljah Girl, Crazy Girl on Train).   So this lady proceeds to show him all the places where she has covered the tattoos up of her former husbands’ names.  “She’s like yeah I’m getting rid of this MF in all places.” 

This is the point in the story where I’m too embarrassed to look at the white man that has been sitting next to me the whole time.  I mean I’m embarrassed to the point where I want to look at him and say, “ You see these n*ggas?”

My fellow nerds tell me of your… “I was embarrassed to be White, Black, Asian, Hispanic, Indian, Native American, etc.” story.

Here is a forum I read the other day with some great court tales.  Check it out here…

Tags: black, court, embarrased, nerds at the cool table, race, Trillionaire Wood, white