Tag Archives: nerd at the cool table

Caucasian Genres (Movies that wouldn’t be good as a Black Version)

movie theater Caucasian Genres (Movies that wouldnt be good as a Black Version)

I was thinking of movies that wouldn’t be good if there was a black version.  And I came to a conclusion that it’s not movies that don’t make sense in a black version.  I have to rule out whole genres.

Romantic Comedies –

Now I know most of you are thinking about those movies of the Late 90’s early 2000’s that were like Tyler Perry Presents How Stella Got Her Wood While Getting Love and Basketball with her Best Man.  Those were more like Romantic Drama.  I’m talking about Romantic Comedies like 50 First Dates and Wedding Crashers.  Those movies would not work in a Black Version.  Let’s be honest after the 2nd date on 50 First Dates that cat woulda been like this “this chick is too crazy for me.  Plus she can’t remember I spent lobster on her last night.  I’m out!”  Then you got Wedding Crashers.  I was at a black wedding this past weekend.  Trust me them cheap people would have spotted a poser a mile away. “Um…no… We got food for 25 people who are you two?!!” Then they would have been escorted out by Pookie and ’em.

Horror Movie –

This wouldn’t work because the movie would be too short.

Example:

House : GET OUT!

(People Leave)

The End

And don’t give that Blackbuster Bull they put on BET.  Leprechaun: In the hood It’s exactly what they call it a “HORROR”ible Commedy.  (ba dum ching)

Family Movies where the kids win –

Ice Cube and Bernie Mac have disappointed me.  I know Bernie Mac Never had a movie, but that show pissed me off.  There is no way those kids would have gotten away with the stuff they did in a real man’s house.   And come on Cube.  “Ain’t no loving good enough to get burnt while I’m up in it.  Now that’s realer than Real Deal Holyfield.” – Snoop Dogg.  Oh his show was some bull too.  See our post on Minstreal Reality Shows.

So there are some of the Genres I think are strictly Caucasian.  Can you guys give me some more?

-Trillionaire Wood

Weekend

1147123775 smokey2 Weekend

It's Friday, you ain't got no job, and you ain't got sh** to do!

Hey everybody.  I really don’t have anything to talk about today so I just want to say have a happy weekend and do something different.

Don’t do the typical stuff this weekend: Movies and Clubbing.

Try something new…  Here are 10 things you can do this weekend that are unconventional good times.

1. Museum

2. Festival (Try to find some kind of multicultural festival.  You’ll be surprised at how much you and another culture have in common).

3.  Go Hiking

4. Take a drive. ( I know gas is a million dollars a gallon, but you might find something in your own town that you never noticed before.

5. Take a class. ( Go learn pottery.  Take a cooking class)

6. Read a book outside.

7. Concert (Memphis in May starts this weekend!)

8. Take a walk.

9. Get on boat.

10. Go do some volunteering.

Well I guess this post got a little longer than it should.   If you have any suggestion let me know.  I’m a little bored.

-Trillionaire Wood

Top 5 Careers After Doing a Reality Show.

rjo0864l Top 5 Careers After Doing a Reality Show.

Yesterday I talked about my reality shows ideas and I would like to see them on TV.  Sadly my agent said the networks shot them down… oh well…

 I’m starting to notice how basically there is a chain reaction to reality shows.   Some people just go from one to the next.  Or as the bible would put it…  The devil begat The Surreal Life.  The Surreal Life begat Strange Love,  Strange Love Begat Flavor of Love,  Flavor of Love begat I Love New York, and I Love New York Begat Real Chance at Love.  And the beast was unleashed upon the Earth and reigned for a 1,000 years.  And there were plagues and pestilence.  And black people got dumber by the day…  (oh sorry went on a little tangent there).  Anyway…

I doubt that there are many career opportunities after being on these shows.  Namely because most of these people weren’t employable in the first place.  And usually after appearing on one of these shows, you make yourself unemployable.  Because most employers would love to see you act a fool, but don’t want you doing it at McDonalds during the lunch time rush.

So I present to you the Top 5 careers after your stint on a reality show.

1.  Another Reality Show.  Hey keep those $700 an episode checks coming in.  As long as you stay of tax payer money.

2. Go back to stripping.  Cause let’s be honest that is the only job you can leave for a couple of weeks to go do a reality show like Real Chance at Love and come back right where you left off.

3. Rapper or Singer.  Most use this as a spring board into those careers.   And it has worked for…hmmm…  drawing a blank here.

4. Acting.  I doubt if you can make it fake reality work.  I’m sure a script is going to be a bit difficult for you.  But hey you can try it.

5. The typical business venture.   Clothing line, book, etc.  I’m sure it would have been just as easy to make a worthwhile product and work hard to make it happen.  But hey we’re in a microwave society, so we don’t time for that work hard and be patient bull. 

My fellow nerds name me some more careers.

-Trillionaire Wood

Minstrel Reality Shows

800px ImperialMinstrelsPostcard Minstrel Reality Shows

Everybody that knows me, knows I don’t watch much TV.   My TV is usually on two channels:  Cartoon Network and HGTV.   I know… I know…   Cartoon Network + HGTV = SISSY!   Well I ain’t no punk!  Test me if you want!

Anyway.  I started flipping through channels and I landed on TVOne (A*K*A,  We’re better than BET but not really).  Well, I started seeing reality shows that were coming out.  I know I’ve been under a rock, so please don’t revoke my black card, but I didn’t know Al B. Sure had a reality show.

*editors note:  I did some more research and realized that he is actually a bachelor competing against other bachelors for… wait for it…  Omarosa!   You’ve got to be kidding me… LOL and other stuff.

And apparently Chilli from TLC does too.   Say it ain’t so Rozonda!!! She is trying find love in all the wrong places.  Then there is a show called NBA wives on MTV.  And I’m like wow is there a reality show for everything?

And so I thought if they can make reality shows for anything, I thought I would pitch some concepts.   You guys tell me what you think…

1.  REGULAR A$$ NINJA$–  We always see the shows where you got people living these ridiculously plush lives. They’re in a masion with the Magic City practice squad.  So I thought why not have a show called Regular Ninjas.  It’s really simple.  You follow a guy around on his normal day.  He gets up, goes to work, maybe works out in the evening, chills with his girl, and goes to bed.   Now I know you may think, “that’s boring and where is the drama?”.   But here is the kicker, HE’S BLACK AND SUCCESSFUL!  So that day actually is more like this…

a. He gets up late and has to think of an excuse because he is on his last strike.

b. He gets pulled over by the cops because obviously he stole that Hyundai.

c. He gets to work and is bombarded by a daily dose of you better be glad we still have quotas around.

d. Him and his girl get into because she’s black and that’s just what happens.  (foward all your hate mail to 123 Idontgiveacrap LN. ,  Your City, YS 12345)

e.  He goes to sleep pissed.

2. Regular A$$ Chicks

a.  See above

b. Add a few more gallons of drama because she is going to talk to her friends about the fight.

3.  Man We Oughta – This show is where instead of  walking away from that one friend that has never had your best interest at heart,  you actually listen to him.  Oh that should be fun.   I know there is a show on Cartoon Network like this called “Dude What Would Happen?”  *Warning side rant*  How in the heck you gone have a reality show on Cartoon Network?  That’s really starting to piss me off *side rant over*.  In that show you have three cats come up with stupid experiments and see what happens.  But here is the difference.  This isn’t any controlled experiment.  You just do it.   Like the show Jackass but with more club fights and probably some drug sales.

4.  Gut Punch –  This is a show where you just go around ruining dreams of people.  Like everyone that raps.  You just go and tell them just how wack they are.  If you can’t sing , act, playball we tell you.  And this show should start at a young age.   Like 10 and older.  Maybe we can salvage the future of the youth.

5.  You’re a Has Been, or a Never Was.  Stop it. –  On this show you go around and actually deny people reality shows that usually get them.   Like you go tell Lisaraye her show has been cancelled because she only famous for being a stripper in a movie.  Then you pour red paint on that d@mn white she wears all the freaking time.

So my fellow nerds help me come up with some more reality shows.

-Trillionaire Wood

The South Shall Rise Again!

image5518423g The South Shall Rise Again!

When I was in college, there was a dorm at my school called Confederate Memorial Hall.   Most of the time it was just called Confederate Hall, which I don’t need to tell you caused many a black people to look like the way Three Six Mafia described Chinese women’s vaginas.  It’s just something about the word “Confederate” that brings in thoughts of Kunta Kinte, and him being whipped into the name Toby. The reason for the name, Confederate Memorial Hall, was it was funded by the Daughters of the the Confederacy (DOC) as a memorial to the fallen soldiers of the Confederacy.

Well because of public outcry, the dorm’s name was changed to Memorial Hall. This was done without the DOC’s knowledge, and they sued (rightfully so).  Well Vandy was a little smart.  The university changed the name in all publications, but left the name on the building facade.  They didn’t want to have to give UDC back  the $50, 000 that was given to fund the dorm 72 years ago… Which in today’s dollars converts to about $2.2 million… or about a year’s tuition for one student …J/K…only a little.  🙁

While I was in college, I followed the crowd on this one which was, “Screw them!  They made us slaves!”  Well now I have to go back on that previous idea.  Although slavery was a huge part of the Confederacy, I understand there were numerous other issues that caused that war.  And those men, at the time, died for their country fighting for what they believed in.   And if their people want to pay for a memorial for that, then I have to say that is all good to me… BUT…We have to see both sides of that:  The dark and the light.  Sadly, in most wars that are fought, only the winner gets to decide who was right.  I’m sure if the South had won, the North would have the same problems with memorials.

“Treason is all a matter of dates ” – From the Movie the Count of Monte Cristo.

I’ll add to that it’s a matter of outcome as well.

But I say all that to keep my topic in perspective.

VA Gov.  Bob McDonnell made the declaration that April will be “Confederate History Month”.  Now I can see where people would have a problem with this.  But let’s be clear (In my Obama voice)…  I think it is just as wrong not to have a Confederate History month as it is to not to have Black History Month.  He did it for a clear reason.  He wanted to honor the past and boost tourism for the state.  I don’t have a problem with that.  But here is my problem Bob…

How dare you not cite the roll of slavery?  Now Bob I don’t have a problem with you honoring your people, but don’t you dare not tell the whole truth.  Keep it real son!

I think Martin Luther King was one of the greatest men to walk the Earth.  We honor him as well as all black pioneers during Black History month.  But let’s be honest.  MLK smoked, and he messed around with other women.  That’s the truth, and we would do ourselves a disservice not to tell the whole truth no matter how ugly it is.

I’m probably thinking too much on this one when I think about Bob’s merits.  (Which I tend to do)  But to me that is very careless and mildly racist.

So I don’t have any problem with what you do.  I say leave the name Confederate Memorial Hall.  I say have your Confederate Month.  But don’t forget my heritage in the process.

Wood has Spoken.

-Trillionaire Wood

Worst Pick-up Lines Part 1 (holla, holla, holla)

holla Worst Pick up Lines Part 1 (holla, holla, holla)

 

Let me start off by saying I have no game.

I mean I see guys on TV and out that just seem to know how to say the right thing at the right times to ladies.  I’m not one of those guys. 

When I do manage the courage to actually talk to a lady it usually comes out as a run on sentence in a crackling teenage voice that goes a little like… “ITHINKYOURCUTECANIHAVEYOURNUMBERANDTAKEYOUSOMETIMEPLEASE!”

Yeah not the hotness at all.  Sorry to any woman I ever hit with that game.  Well as bad as that sounds, I have heard friends tell me lines they have used and lines that have been used on them that make my sad attempt sound like Shakespeare.

Here are some of my favorites.

Don’t be affraid to get wet.

Say B!tch.  What’s your name? (followed by “F*** you then”, when she doesn’t respond)

Guh, you shaped like a coke bottle.  Lemme know when u want me to pop the top and sip.

Girl you got a big booty, can I have your number?  (She then turns to look at the creature that spewed the nonsense).  Aw you cute too.  WTF???

Oooh Girl he got gold teeth!  I know you got money!

I really could gone on all day with these.  But I really want to hear some of the things that have been said to you that would make you “loose your religion”.

I’ll post the best ones tomorrow.

-Trillionaire Wood

 

Now I Ain’t Sayin’ He a Gold Digger, Actually I Am

jonathan plummer Now I Aint Sayin He a Gold Digger, Actually I Am 

And ode to the great African-American Gigolo , Jonathan Plummer.

 I can’t believe she didn’t see that.  I mean he looks like a feminine Prince.

So I was asked the question the other day… “Can men be Gold Diggers?”  And the only reply I could think of was, “Is John McCain Old?”  Of course men can be Gold Diggers.  But to be honest any man that tries to live off a woman, and cannot contribute anything, can’t really be called a man.

Well the background story to this question was that this young lady had a man trying to court her.  Before they ever went on a date he was asking for phone bill money.  She told him no and he went on to the next John… or Jeannette.  My prostitution allusion didn’t go as well as I thought it would right there.  Moving along… Anyway ladies yes there are male gold diggers.  And here are 5 signs of the male Gold Digger:

  1.  He wants you to take him out for the first or subsequent dates.  Now I don’t have a problem if every once in a while my lady wanted to take me out.  But I wouldn’t want to make it a habit where she is taking me out all the time.
  2. He’s asking for help on specific bills.  Your first question should be… “How were you getting by before you met me?”
  3. He seems to have possessions that can’t be paid for by his current salary.  He has a high rise apartment downtown with new furniture, but works at McDonald’s.  See also drug dealer, robber, etc.
  4. He’s always talking about something he needs and mentioning the upcoming holidays.  Almost hinting at something.
  5. He’s always talking about how broke he is.

I just noticed these same rules apply to women.  Well these are your rules for the day.  Please govern yourselves accordingly.  And if you have a few signs go ahead and drop me a few. 

-Trillionaire Wood

Attraction-Harassment Scale

nice guy bad guy Attraction Harassment Scale

 So you are at work, and Jimmy the office “nice guy” comes over to say good morning.  This is probably the hardest part of your day.  Now Jimmy’s a good guy, but you’re just not attracted to him.  And he usually lingers a little too long when he hugs you.  Well one day Jimmy takes your kind hug as his entry into trying something a little further.  Maybe he decides to tell you, “you look really nice” or “he wants to take you on a date”.  Now if you are a rational creature you will tell him politely no and hopefully it doesn’t ruin the office place acquaintance.  Or you could be crazy as a loon and call sexual harassment on him. 

 Then you have Kent.  Kent is the office Brad Pitt/Hottie/Slut.  Well one night you and Kent are working late and he decides he’s going to try to have his way with you.  Next thing you know, the copy machine is taking full color photos of your neither region.

 Now how is it that possible that two of your co-workers can approach in two different ways and get inexplicable results?  One guy almost gets a face full of pepper spray while being respectful and the other gets a chance to make a fond memory at the copy machine by treating you like dirt. 

 Well it’s a little thing I like to call the Attraction-Harassment scale. 

 Note: Don’t try to take it.  It’s already copyrighted.

  Attraction Harassment Scale

  

 There is basically an inverse relationship between how attracted you are to a person and how you gauge their actions towards you. 

 In other words… The uglier a person is to you, the less you will let them get away with. 

 It is derived from the Crazy-Hot scale from the show How I Met Your Mother?.  I love that show.  Barney Stinson for President!

 You see it all the time in your daily life…

1. Regular dude sends a drink.  Girl takes it and pays him no mind.  Rich guy sends a bottle.  Girl goes home with rich guy.

2. Girl attracted to a guy plays hard to get, and guy engages her in said game.  Girl not attracted to guy “pursuing” claims he’s a bug-a-boo/stalker.

 So give me an example of your Attraction-Harassment episodes.  Do you think the scale is right?