Category Archives: Relationships

Ethics Questions: Volume 1

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

You’re at the club…

Okay, maybe clubs aren’t your thing.

But, for the sake of argument, let’s just say you’re at the club.

You walk around.  You’re having a good time.  You decide to hit the dance floor… upon which you witness the following (WARNING:  Turn your speakers down.  This video contains profanity):

What do you do?  How do you react?

Drop a comment…

- SouthernCharm

IF

A friend of mine was going through some emails, and found an OLD poem I wrote over 5 years ago.   I decided to share it with y’all.  Check it out… *Ahem:

spoken word 300x200 IF

IF I curse does that mean I’m perceived as bad in your eyes,
When you’re just as profane in your actions?
But you know what they say, image is everything,
So I choose to live for the satisfaction
Of the God who created me in His image
Forget your reaction

IF you can’t seem to get in touch with me,
Maybe it’s not you, but my own problems I’m avoiding through solitude,
But since you’re the victim you call it rude
And though all is true,
You don’t even bother to leave a simple message on the voicemail,
So what reason do I have for calling you?

IF a girl has sex with many guys, is she a hoe?
I say no
See I debated… with a girl on this
And found a common ground where we related,
See a hoe has a pimp who collects figgaz,
And some girls pimp themselves, you know, gold-diggaz
So I figga’d, If you’re a girl who gives up the butt for free, not a fee,
Or a male who cuts because it takes two for such…
Then the politically correct term for you is a slut

IF you’re a female who claims to get along better with males than your
own gender,
Then what does that really say about you, sister?
Cause you’ll contradict and say all men are dogs
And if that fits me, of course I’ma go along, to get along, get you
home, and get a bone
Don’t get me wrong,
I’m just saying what I see in your attitude
So the proper gratitude is to admit the truth and change
Cause if we all did that, being normal wouldn’t be so strange

SlowClap1 300x225 IF

Thank you, thank you, thank you!  You’re far too kiiiiiind!

Men’s Hidden Truth #1,294…

 rejecting man bar 300x199 Mens Hidden Truth #1,294...

So… You get home from work and go through the motions daily routine of talking to your significant other (whether on the phone or in person).  You get the redundant, expected info from her about her day: Irritating co-worker, what she had for lunch, blah, blah, blah, etc.  She’s on her spill when all of a sudden, she stops mid-sentence to say, “Oh, and guess who tried to holla at me today?” 

Homer Simpson:  Urge to kill… rising.

She then continues to go on about some gold-grill, extra crisply, Jerome-looking guy smelling like Sex Panther, who tried to talk to her.  She goes on about how lame he looked, the corny things he said, blah, blah, blah, etc.  Then she goes into the spill of how she turned him down and how she “HAS A MAN.”

Biggest backhanded compliment ever…

Guess what ladies?  We don’t wanna hear that sh**!

Why?  Glad you asked.  Cue up Earth, Wind, & Fire.  These are the reasons:

1. We know you’re frontin!  Sure, you’re quick  to complain and point out the Roland Martin lookin’ dude who tried to get at you… You tell us because you want us to get in the amen-corner with you on how he would have the audacity to even talk to you.  You feel he’s almost beneath you in a sense.  We understand.  Good for you.  A woman will be quick to mention to her man the uber-lame guys who approached her… but would you mention that Idris-Morris-Kodjoe-Bush (or whoever y’all ogle over nowadays) pulled up in a Ferrari, lavished you with compliments, and wanted to take you out?  Would you mention that for a second you thought about giving him the draws number, before turning him down because you have a man?  Exactly. 

2. We’re men.  We already know these things.  So you’re mad that some guy approached you in Walmart while your hair was pinned back/in a scarf, you had on sweats, and were in straight up lounge mode?  It’s a well known fact that men like azz.  And azz, last time I checked, looks especially great in sweat pants.  So I guess you could say… We’ll holla at anything!  You look like a clone of Macy Gray & Esther Role in the face, but got a fatty?  Holla! Holla!  Holla!  No makeup on and buckshots in your head?  We’re not trying to smash your buckshots!  Aunt Flo just came in town, you’re feeling bloated, and rockin’ one your worst fits?  Lemme get that nummmmba!  It’s a well known fact that every woman gets stared at, approached, commented on, glared at, etc, at least 2.5 times a day. 

3. Do you need a compliment?  Maybe your man doesn’t give you enough compliments.  Maybe he’s starting to take you for granted.  So casually letting him know that another guy wants you is letting him know that he needs to step his game up.  You could just let him know directly, but that would be too much like right.

4. You can dish it out, but can’t take it.  We don’t even have to mention Beyonce groped us in the elevator this morning.  All we have to do is mention how that sweater you bought us caused Precious to give us the effdashytouttayou eye… and you’ll be ready to cut her! 

So, ladies, remember this next time you think about telling your guy about who tried to holla at you.  We know we’re not the only guy who finds you attractive.  We just like to believe we are.  Stroke that ego, baby!  Stroke that ego!

Good night and good luck!

Bad Taste in My Mouth

cupid Bad Taste in My Mouth

Valentines Day leaves a bad taste in my mouth like those nasty little chalky hearts with the stupid messages.

necco sweethearts Bad Taste in My Mouth

Well the 3 of you that read this blog on the regular know I’m not big on holidays, so you already know that Valentines Day is just another day to me.  I hate the idea that I’m required to show you love on one day a year.  And the only reason it hurts low self-esteem having women people is because they are comparing their situation to others.  Well let me give you some reasons to stop worrying about if you didn’t get any Valentines Day goodies from your loved one.

1.  She may get a red heart full of chocolates today, but a red eye full of swelling tomorrow….  Sometimes big displays of love is just for show.  Is he/she treating them with respect the rest of the year?

2.  Is every day like Valentines day?  Going with point # 1.  Do you get flowers every day anyway.  Then why trip on the one day of year when people jack up the price of everything because they know you will be in the dog house if you don’t buy them.  It’s simple economics people.

3.  Do y’all have the money for what you want?  I say it like my mother use to tell me…

Me: “I want some Jordans!”

Ma Dukes (I’ve always wanted to say that): “You got some Jordan money?”

LOL!

Maybe he decided a long time ago since you raised hell because he didn’t buy you that diamond necklace that you wanted and made you a heart out of construction paper because that’s all he could afford.  It was either diamonds or rent, he decided to opt for keeping a roof over your head.

My fellow nerds…  Am I just being mean and cynical or is Valentines day just another overrated holiday?  Or am I just mad I didn’t get anything for V-Day?

Trillionair€ Wood

aka

Wood the Gr€at

aka

Wood L. J€nkins

Soulmates, Gnomes, Unicorns, and The Tooth Fairy

older black couple 300x184 Soulmates, Gnomes, Unicorns, and The Tooth Fairy

So I’m wondering…
Is there a such thing as a soulmate,
Or is it a lemon dream that somebody sold me?
Is there a person whom God destined for me
Since I came out the womb and took my first steps like a probate?
Is it a fad or a gimmick?
If she’s at some type of party, church service, some type of function… I’m in it
I wonder how in the world can we be kindred spirits
When we both grown as h*ll and ain’t ever been out the city limits?!?!


Is there a such thing as a soulmate,
Or is it a lemon dream that somebody sold me?
It gets “cumber” with “some”
How can a lady be my earth when there ain’t nothing new under the sun?’
So if she’s the one that got away or, rather, she skidaddle’d
How do I know there ain’t three more like her somewhere in Seattle?
Perhaps she has a clone in Rome, or most certainly
A South African look-a-like, a doppelganger in Germany
I’m saying… is there a such thing as a soulmate,
Or is it a lemon dream that somebody sold me?
I guess the question’s rhetorical for the moment
Just my ramblings at 4:36 in the morning…

What do you think?  Do you believe in soulmates?  Do you believe you have found or come across your soulmate?  Leave a comment and join the discussion!

Lonely, Successful Black Women…

4709013 Lonely, Successful Black Women...

It’s an epidemic!

Or is it a few cases that cause mass hysteria?!

Apparently, the flavor of the day on blogs throughout the web, is a Washington Post article on Helena Andrews.   Helena is a  single, 29 year old, successful black woman, living in D.C.  She’s about to release a new book titled, “B*tch Is the New Black.”  It’s a memoir on the perils of being a successful, upwardly mobile, black woman.  There are also plans for a film based on the book. 

You can read the article here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/12/09/AR2009120904546.html

Also, www.verysmartbrothas.com has a great post on the issue/article.

Meanwhile, here are a few excerpts from the Washington Post article:

Andrews writes about what it is like for a young, black woman dating in D.C., trying to find a mate who seems ever elusive. The futile rituals are familiar: the dressing up, the eager cab ride over to the party, the hold-your-breath as you walk in, scanning the room quickly for any looks returned. The mantra sounding in the back of your head: “So-and-so found a man last year at a party like this. Maybe tonight is my night.” Then one by one, the men prove to be disappointments and disappointing: married, uninteresting or uninterested.

The disappointment as you end up at the bar once again, committing straw violence in your drink (stirring the drink frantically and unconsciously).

Andrews writes the truth of those nights. The truth is for too many, they never work out. Not for Andrews and not for her friend, Gina, who is a prominent character in her life and in the book.

“For a lot of black women, especially young successful black women, we have a lot of boxes on our master plan list checked off,” Andrews says. “We think happiness should come immediately after that. But that is not always the case.”

Love is much too hard to find and when these women do, it may go all wrong because of issues that are too complicated for statistics, Andrews says. She is quick to say, “There are tons of black families who are healthy and good.” Even so, black women are more likely than white women to grow up poor or otherwise struggling financially; to be fatherless and to experience a myriad of other societal and/or familial dysfunctions. Ironically, the “issues” can also include being a “strong” woman: the can-do, opinionated type many black women become after growing up in a matriarchal household, the type with whom some men still just can’t deal.

“I have tons of friends who are extremely successful lawyers and lobbyists, staffers on the Hill. They are great at what they do. They are in their late 20s and early 30s,” Andrews says, sipping Ethiopian coffee. Her dog, Miles, is sitting beneath the restaurant table, whining softly.

“But there is loneliness at their jobs, because most likely they are the only black person there and people treat them like they are the only black person there. They dress a certain way. They go out on the weekend. . . . And still they end up going home, and it’s you and your d*mned dog.”

For my black women who feel like they fall into this category… I seriously believe this is a personal problem.  It isn’t an epidemic.  It’s just life.  Sure, you have your degree, a good job, a nice place, and a few of the finer things in life that may constitute “success.”  But just because you haven’t found a Barack Obama-type with swag doesn’t mean it’s hard out here for you.  Maybe your standards really are too high.  Maybe the fact that you have a degree and a job doesn’t really mean crap in the grand scheme of things.  What lies beneath your resume?  What other qualities do you bring to the table. 

Which brings us to my ode/parody of the Helena Andrews epidemic.  Cause after all, she just wants to be successful, right?

Beyonce:
I want the money,
Money and the cars,
Cars and the clothes, (and to be)
Betrothed! (Troooooothed!)
I suppose…
I just want to be… I just want to be successfullllllll
I just want I to be… I just want to be successfulllllll

Helena:
Awww yeah B, I effin’ feel ya
They be staring at the B.A. like it’s unfamiliar
I got it and earned it, to me there’s nothing realer
Except this condo in the ‘burbs, something like a villa,
And when I leave, I always come right back here (alone)
The black woman that all of these black men fear,
I had me a winter boo, but that was last year
Dropped his a** quick, he was a muthaf*ckin’ cashier!
A thousand thread count sheets on my bed,
Quarters of creamy crack shape the perm in my head,
Take my attitude too serious, you hate me,
Cause I don’t feel a brutha who ain’t ballin’ with a J.D.
Yeah… I want it all that’s why I strive for it
Text me, and you’ll never get a reply for it
Any Happy Hour, 1st Friday, I get fly for it
I know hubby’s coming, I just hope that I’m alive for him…

Worst Pick-up Lines Part 1 (holla, holla, holla)

holla Worst Pick up Lines Part 1 (holla, holla, holla)

 

Let me start off by saying I have no game.

I mean I see guys on TV and out that just seem to know how to say the right thing at the right times to ladies.  I’m not one of those guys. 

When I do manage the courage to actually talk to a lady it usually comes out as a run on sentence in a crackling teenage voice that goes a little like… “ITHINKYOURCUTECANIHAVEYOURNUMBERANDTAKEYOUSOMETIMEPLEASE!”

Yeah not the hotness at all.  Sorry to any woman I ever hit with that game.  Well as bad as that sounds, I have heard friends tell me lines they have used and lines that have been used on them that make my sad attempt sound like Shakespeare.

Here are some of my favorites.

Don’t be affraid to get wet.

Say B!tch.  What’s your name? (followed by “F*** you then”, when she doesn’t respond)

Guh, you shaped like a coke bottle.  Lemme know when u want me to pop the top and sip.

Girl you got a big booty, can I have your number?  (She then turns to look at the creature that spewed the nonsense).  Aw you cute too.  WTF???

Oooh Girl he got gold teeth!  I know you got money!

I really could gone on all day with these.  But I really want to hear some of the things that have been said to you that would make you “loose your religion”.

I’ll post the best ones tomorrow.

-Trillionaire Wood

 

Now I Ain’t Sayin’ He a Gold Digger, Actually I Am

jonathan plummer Now I Aint Sayin He a Gold Digger, Actually I Am 

And ode to the great African-American Gigolo , Jonathan Plummer.

 I can’t believe she didn’t see that.  I mean he looks like a feminine Prince.

So I was asked the question the other day… “Can men be Gold Diggers?”  And the only reply I could think of was, “Is John McCain Old?”  Of course men can be Gold Diggers.  But to be honest any man that tries to live off a woman, and cannot contribute anything, can’t really be called a man.

Well the background story to this question was that this young lady had a man trying to court her.  Before they ever went on a date he was asking for phone bill money.  She told him no and he went on to the next John… or Jeannette.  My prostitution allusion didn’t go as well as I thought it would right there.  Moving along… Anyway ladies yes there are male gold diggers.  And here are 5 signs of the male Gold Digger:

  1.  He wants you to take him out for the first or subsequent dates.  Now I don’t have a problem if every once in a while my lady wanted to take me out.  But I wouldn’t want to make it a habit where she is taking me out all the time.
  2. He’s asking for help on specific bills.  Your first question should be… “How were you getting by before you met me?”
  3. He seems to have possessions that can’t be paid for by his current salary.  He has a high rise apartment downtown with new furniture, but works at McDonald’s.  See also drug dealer, robber, etc.
  4. He’s always talking about something he needs and mentioning the upcoming holidays.  Almost hinting at something.
  5. He’s always talking about how broke he is.

I just noticed these same rules apply to women.  Well these are your rules for the day.  Please govern yourselves accordingly.  And if you have a few signs go ahead and drop me a few. 

-Trillionaire Wood

Attraction-Harassment Scale

nice guy bad guy Attraction Harassment Scale

 So you are at work, and Jimmy the office “nice guy” comes over to say good morning.  This is probably the hardest part of your day.  Now Jimmy’s a good guy, but you’re just not attracted to him.  And he usually lingers a little too long when he hugs you.  Well one day Jimmy takes your kind hug as his entry into trying something a little further.  Maybe he decides to tell you, “you look really nice” or “he wants to take you on a date”.  Now if you are a rational creature you will tell him politely no and hopefully it doesn’t ruin the office place acquaintance.  Or you could be crazy as a loon and call sexual harassment on him. 

 Then you have Kent.  Kent is the office Brad Pitt/Hottie/Slut.  Well one night you and Kent are working late and he decides he’s going to try to have his way with you.  Next thing you know, the copy machine is taking full color photos of your neither region.

 Now how is it that possible that two of your co-workers can approach in two different ways and get inexplicable results?  One guy almost gets a face full of pepper spray while being respectful and the other gets a chance to make a fond memory at the copy machine by treating you like dirt. 

 Well it’s a little thing I like to call the Attraction-Harassment scale. 

 Note: Don’t try to take it.  It’s already copyrighted.

  Attraction Harassment Scale

  

 There is basically an inverse relationship between how attracted you are to a person and how you gauge their actions towards you. 

 In other words… The uglier a person is to you, the less you will let them get away with. 

 It is derived from the Crazy-Hot scale from the show How I Met Your Mother?.  I love that show.  Barney Stinson for President!

 You see it all the time in your daily life…

1. Regular dude sends a drink.  Girl takes it and pays him no mind.  Rich guy sends a bottle.  Girl goes home with rich guy.

2. Girl attracted to a guy plays hard to get, and guy engages her in said game.  Girl not attracted to guy “pursuing” claims he’s a bug-a-boo/stalker.

 So give me an example of your Attraction-Harassment episodes.  Do you think the scale is right?

Can Love Truly Be Unconditional?: Religion

coexist Can Love Truly Be Unconditional?: Religion

I’m starting a new series this week…  Unconditional Love.  I want to ask you guys what you think about some things that would generally be deal breakers when it came being in a relationship.  And lets find out if we can find a way to make these deal breakers work or should they stay deal breakers.

Our first discussion topics is can people of a different faith make it work? 

Now you have two people.   We’ll say a Muslim and a Christian.  I don’t know the Muslim faith well so I can’t really say what they believe in.  Can these two really make a relationship work?  I mean aside from the obivious differences in the religions.  Doesn’t this seem like a realtionship doomed for argument?  

Practical things seem like they would become huge issues.  Like how are the kids going to be raised?  What do we do on Sunday?  Somebody might not be willing to give up that pork…lol

But my big thing comes to tithing.  Again I don’t know anything about Muslim faith, but I’m only assuming they don’t following tithing like a Christian would.  As a man of the Christian faith, I believe tithing is critical.  But what happens when funds get low and I’m willing to tithe before I pay my mortgage.  Now if I’m with a person of a different faith that may cause a problem.  Because tithing was okay with her until money got scarce, now it’s just an unneccessary expense.  And seeing as how most divorce happens over money, that seems like one in the making. 

So how would we make it work?  Can we make it work?  Can people of different faiths make it work?

What if it wasn’t something similar like Judiasm and Christianity?  What if it were a Christian and a Devil Worshipper?   Could they make it work?  Let me know what you think.

 

-Trillionaire Wood