You know… at some point, in life, you have to grow up. There are certain people you have to disassociate with, and certain places, where said people congregate, that you have to stop going to. One of these places is the club.
I’m not talking about being uppity. It’s not that you went and got that certificate from ITT, and now you wanna go acting all brand new. No, you simply have to grow up. As you continue to grow, mature, and move up in life, your future gets brighter. You have goals. You have aspirations. Some people have families to take care of. It’s not that you’re too good to certain places. You just have a future, and don’t want to throw it away by putting yourself in certain situations that can be avoided.
One of these situations is the club.
But what constitutes an establishment as “the club?” Glad you asked…
1) You can wear Jordans and get in.
2) When you leave at 3:00 A.M., you smell like kush, Newports, and malt liquor.
3) “Down For My N***as,” by C-Murdah, is still in regular rotation there.
4) C-Murdah himself, and his look-a-likes, are still in regular rotation there.
5) The women have tattoos… on their faces.
These types of places may have been fun when you were younger. They’re cheap to get in. The drinks are cheap. You can still pick up a woman wearing FUBU Platinum. But as you continue to grow, then chances are you want to be around and socialize with like-minded people. Chances are you would want to talk to a woman with standards higher than clean Air Force One’s and Coogi. You also wouldn’t want to put yourself in situations where you end up getting robbed or going to jail (because you got in a fight stepping on some random dude’s Pumas) on some bull.
What do you think? What are some other characteristics of “the club?”
But, for the sake of argument, let’s just say you’re at the club.
You walk around. You’re having a good time. You decide to hit the dance floor… upon which you witness the following (WARNING: Turn your speakers down. This video contains profanity):
I was thinking of movies that wouldn’t be good if there was a black version. And I came to a conclusion that it’s not movies that don’t make sense in a black version. I have to rule out whole genres.
Romantic Comedies -
Now I know most of you are thinking about those movies of the Late 90′s early 2000′s that were like Tyler Perry Presents How Stella Got Her Wood While Getting Love and Basketball with her Best Man. Those were more like Romantic Drama. I’m talking about Romantic Comedies like 50 First Dates and Wedding Crashers. Those movies would not work in a Black Version. Let’s be honest after the 2nd date on 50 First Dates that cat woulda been like this “this chick is too crazy for me. Plus she can’t remember I spent lobster on her last night. I’m out!” Then you got Wedding Crashers. I was at a black wedding this past weekend. Trust me them cheap people would have spotted a poser a mile away. “Um…no… We got food for 25 people who are you two?!!” Then they would have been escorted out by Pookie and ‘em.
Horror Movie -
This wouldn’t work because the movie would be too short.
Example:
House : GET OUT!
(People Leave)
The End
And don’t give that Blackbuster Bull they put on BET. Leprechaun: In the hood It’s exactly what they call it a “HORROR”ible Commedy. (ba dum ching)
Family Movies where the kids win -
Ice Cube and Bernie Mac have disappointed me. I know Bernie Mac Never had a movie, but that show pissed me off. There is no way those kids would have gotten away with the stuff they did in a real man’s house. And come on Cube. ”Ain’t no loving good enough to get burnt while I’m up in it. Now that’s realer than Real Deal Holyfield.” – Snoop Dogg. Oh his show was some bull too. See our post on Minstreal Reality Shows.
So there are some of the Genres I think are strictly Caucasian. Can you guys give me some more?
Yesterday I talked about my reality shows ideas and I would like to see them on TV. Sadly my agent said the networks shot them down… oh well…
I’m starting to notice how basically there is a chain reaction to reality shows. Some people just go from one to the next. Or as the bible would put it… The devil begat The Surreal Life. The Surreal Life begat Strange Love, Strange Love Begat Flavor of Love, Flavor of Love begat I Love New York, and I Love New York Begat Real Chance at Love. And the beast was unleashed upon the Earth and reigned for a 1,000 years. And there were plagues and pestilence. And black people got dumber by the day… (oh sorry went on a little tangent there). Anyway…
I doubt that there are many career opportunities after being on these shows. Namely because most of these people weren’t employable in the first place. And usually after appearing on one of these shows, you make yourself unemployable. Because most employers would love to see you act a fool, but don’t want you doing it at McDonalds during the lunch time rush.
So I present to you the Top 5 careers after your stint on a reality show.
1. Another Reality Show. Hey keep those $700 an episode checks coming in. As long as you stay of tax payer money.
2. Go back to stripping. Cause let’s be honest that is the only job you can leave for a couple of weeks to go do a reality show like Real Chance at Love and come back right where you left off.
3. Rapper or Singer. Most use this as a spring board into those careers. And it has worked for…hmmm… drawing a blank here.
4. Acting. I doubt if you can make it fake reality work. I’m sure a script is going to be a bit difficult for you. But hey you can try it.
5. The typical business venture. Clothing line, book, etc. I’m sure it would have been just as easy to make a worthwhile product and work hard to make it happen. But hey we’re in a microwave society, so we don’t time for that work hard and be patient bull.
Everybody that knows me, knows I don’t watch much TV. My TV is usually on two channels: Cartoon Network and HGTV. I know… I know… Cartoon Network + HGTV = SISSY! Well I ain’t no punk! Test me if you want!
Anyway. I started flipping through channels and I landed on TVOne (A*K*A, We’re better than BET but not really). Well, I started seeing reality shows that were coming out. I know I’ve been under a rock, so please don’t revoke my black card, but I didn’t know Al B. Sure had a reality show.
*editors note: I did some more research and realized that he is actually a bachelor competing against other bachelors for… wait for it… Omarosa! You’ve got to be kidding me… LOL and other stuff.
And apparently Chilli from TLC does too. Say it ain’t so Rozonda!!! She is trying find love in all the wrong places. Then there is a show called NBA wives on MTV. And I’m like wow is there a reality show for everything?
And so I thought if they can make reality shows for anything, I thought I would pitch some concepts. You guys tell me what you think…
1. REGULAR A$$ NINJA$- We always see the shows where you got people living these ridiculously plush lives. They’re in a masion with the Magic City practice squad. So I thought why not have a show called Regular Ninjas. It’s really simple. You follow a guy around on his normal day. He gets up, goes to work, maybe works out in the evening, chills with his girl, and goes to bed. Now I know you may think, “that’s boring and where is the drama?”. But here is the kicker, HE’S BLACK AND SUCCESSFUL! So that day actually is more like this…
a. He gets up late and has to think of an excuse because he is on his last strike.
b. He gets pulled over by the cops because obviously he stole that Hyundai.
c. He gets to work and is bombarded by a daily dose of you better be glad we still have quotas around.
d. Him and his girl get into because she’s black and that’s just what happens. (foward all your hate mail to 123 Idontgiveacrap LN. , Your City, YS 12345)
e. He goes to sleep pissed.
2. Regular A$$ Chicks
a. See above
b. Add a few more gallons of drama because she is going to talk to her friends about the fight.
3. Man We Oughta – This show is where instead of walking away from that one friend that has never had your best interest at heart, you actually listen to him. Oh that should be fun. I know there is a show on Cartoon Network like this called “Dude What Would Happen?” *Warning side rant* How in the heck you gone have a reality show on Cartoon Network? That’s really starting to piss me off *side rant over*. In that show you have three cats come up with stupid experiments and see what happens. But here is the difference. This isn’t any controlled experiment. You just do it. Like the show Jackass but with more club fights and probably some drug sales.
4. Gut Punch - This is a show where you just go around ruining dreams of people. Like everyone that raps. You just go and tell them just how wack they are. If you can’t sing , act, playball we tell you. And this show should start at a young age. Like 10 and older. Maybe we can salvage the future of the youth.
5. You’re a Has Been, or a Never Was. Stop it. - On this show you go around and actually deny people reality shows that usually get them. Like you go tell Lisaraye her show has been cancelled because she only famous for being a stripper in a movie. Then you pour red paint on that d@mn white she wears all the freaking time.
So my fellow nerds help me come up with some more reality shows.
A friend of mine was going through some emails, and found an OLD poem I wrote over 5 years ago. I decided to share it with y’all. Check it out… *Ahem:
IF I curse does that mean I’m perceived as bad in your eyes,
When you’re just as profane in your actions?
But you know what they say, image is everything,
So I choose to live for the satisfaction
Of the God who created me in His image
Forget your reaction
IF you can’t seem to get in touch with me,
Maybe it’s not you, but my own problems I’m avoiding through solitude,
But since you’re the victim you call it rude
And though all is true,
You don’t even bother to leave a simple message on the voicemail,
So what reason do I have for calling you?
IF a girl has sex with many guys, is she a hoe?
I say no
See I debated… with a girl on this
And found a common ground where we related,
See a hoe has a pimp who collects figgaz,
And some girls pimp themselves, you know, gold-diggaz
So I figga’d, If you’re a girl who gives up the butt for free, not a fee,
Or a male who cuts because it takes two for such…
Then the politically correct term for you is a slut
IF you’re a female who claims to get along better with males than your
own gender,
Then what does that really say about you, sister?
Cause you’ll contradict and say all men are dogs
And if that fits me, of course I’ma go along, to get along, get you
home, and get a bone
Don’t get me wrong,
I’m just saying what I see in your attitude
So the proper gratitude is to admit the truth and change
Cause if we all did that, being normal wouldn’t be so strange
Thank you, thank you, thank you! You’re far too kiiiiiind!
These days, there are reality shows everywhere. It seems as if everyone has a reality show… even people I’ve never heard of.
Pretty Wild? Ummmm no!
Kendra? Who the heck is Kendra?
Real Chance of Love? So you want to watch the average lame dude in the club and the stunt double for the black guy from Twilight… but with a perm… search through a group of opportunists ladies to find love?
What happened to good television? What happened to something that has an actual plot? Storyline? Irony? I thought TV was supposed to be a form of escapism. Why would I want to escape watching someone else live THEIR lives? No, thanks. I’d rather post up and do some actual people watching.
Still, all hope isn’t lost. I present to you a list of shows that still make great television. For now, we’ll just stick with sitcoms:
The Office
How I Met Your Mother:
Robot Chicken:
These are just a few. What say you? Name some other slept-on TV shows. Feel free to drop a Youtube link!
If you’re a fan of the TV show, Scrubs, then you have probably noticed the sudden decline of the show since it went from NBC to ABC. As mentioned in the CNN article above, the writer’s strike from ’07-’08 had a lot to do with the show’s demise. J.D., one of the show’s main characters (if not the main character), is no longer on the show… along with several other core cast members.
I was aware that the show had moved to ABC, so I tuned in one night. A few of my observations:
- Midway through watching Scrubs 2.0, I thought I was watching Saved By the Bell: The New Class.
- Watching the new Scrubs is like looking at the Matrix in a different hue of puke-green.
- Comic Book Guy, from The Simpsons, made an appearance sometime during the show. He was quoted as saying, “Worst…episode…ever.” Another episode aired the following week.
- I wasn’t aware at first that J.D. wasn’t on the show anymore. After realizing he wasn’t there, I figured they had killed him off… or maybe there were some budget cuts… or he pulled a Katherine Heigl
- This just in: The ABC version of Scrubs will be the first television show to come out on View Master instead of DVD/Blu-Ray.
So… You get home from work and go through the motions daily routine of talking to your significant other (whether on the phone or in person). You get the redundant, expected info from her about her day: Irritating co-worker, what she had for lunch, blah, blah, blah, etc. She’s on her spill when all of a sudden, she stops mid-sentence to say, “Oh, and guess who tried to holla at me today?”
Homer Simpson: Urge to kill… rising.
She then continues to go on about some gold-grill, extra crisply, Jerome-looking guy smelling like Sex Panther, who tried to talk to her. She goes on about how lame he looked, the corny things he said, blah, blah, blah, etc. Then she goes into the spill of how she turned him down and how she “HAS A MAN.”
Biggest backhanded compliment ever…
Guess what ladies? We don’t wanna hear that sh**!
Why? Glad you asked. Cue up Earth, Wind, & Fire. These are the reasons:
1. We know you’re frontin! Sure, you’re quick to complain and point out the Roland Martin lookin’ dude who tried to get at you… You tell us because you want us to get in the amen-corner with you on how he would have the audacity to even talk to you. You feel he’s almost beneath you in a sense. We understand. Good for you. A woman will be quick to mention to her man the uber-lame guys who approached her… but would you mention that Idris-Morris-Kodjoe-Bush (or whoever y’all ogle over nowadays) pulled up in a Ferrari, lavished you with compliments, and wanted to take you out? Would you mention that for a second you thought about giving him the draws number, before turning him down because you have a man? Exactly.
2. We’re men. We already know these things. So you’re mad that some guy approached you in Walmart while your hair was pinned back/in a scarf, you had on sweats, and were in straight up lounge mode? It’s a well known fact that men like azz. And azz, last time I checked, looks especially great in sweat pants. So I guess you could say… We’ll holla at anything! You look like a clone of Macy Gray & Esther Role in the face, but got a fatty? Holla! Holla! Holla! No makeup on and buckshots in your head? We’re not trying to smash your buckshots! Aunt Flo just came in town, you’re feeling bloated, and rockin’ one your worst fits? Lemme get that nummmmba! It’s a well known fact that every woman gets stared at, approached, commented on, glared at, etc, at least 2.5 times a day.
3. Do you need a compliment? Maybe your man doesn’t give you enough compliments. Maybe he’s starting to take you for granted. So casually letting him know that another guy wants you is letting him know that he needs to step his game up. You could just let him know directly, but that would be too much like right.
4. You can dish it out, but can’t take it. We don’t even have to mention Beyonce groped us in the elevator this morning. All we have to do is mention how that sweater you bought us caused Precious to give us the effdashytouttayou eye… and you’ll be ready to cut her!
So, ladies, remember this next time you think about telling your guy about who tried to holla at you. We know we’re not the only guy who finds you attractive. We just like to believe we are. Stroke that ego, baby! Stroke that ego!
