I was thinking of movies that wouldn’t be good if there was a black version.  And I came to a conclusion that it’s not movies that don’t make sense in a black version.  I have to rule out whole genres.

Romantic Comedies -

Now I know most of you are thinking about those movies of the Late 90′s early 2000′s that were like Tyler Perry Presents How Stella Got Her Wood While Getting Love and Basketball with her Best Man.  Those were more like Romantic Drama.  I’m talking about Romantic Comedies like 50 First Dates and Wedding Crashers.  Those movies would not work in a Black Version.  Let’s be honest after the 2nd date on 50 First Dates that cat woulda been like this “this chick is too crazy for me.  Plus she can’t remember I spent lobster on her last night.  I’m out!”  Then you got Wedding Crashers.  I was at a black wedding this past weekend.  Trust me them cheap people would have spotted a poser a mile away. “Um…no… We got food for 25 people who are you two?!!” Then they would have been escorted out by Pookie and ‘em.

Horror Movie -

This wouldn’t work because the movie would be too short.

Example:

House : GET OUT!

(People Leave)

The End

And don’t give that Blackbuster Bull they put on BET.  Leprechaun: In the hood It’s exactly what they call it a “HORROR”ible Commedy.  (ba dum ching)

Family Movies where the kids win -

Ice Cube and Bernie Mac have disappointed me.  I know Bernie Mac Never had a movie, but that show pissed me off.  There is no way those kids would have gotten away with the stuff they did in a real man’s house.   And come on Cube.  ”Ain’t no loving good enough to get burnt while I’m up in it.  Now that’s realer than Real Deal Holyfield.” – Snoop Dogg.  Oh his show was some bull too.  See our post on Minstreal Reality Shows.

So there are some of the Genres I think are strictly Caucasian.  Can you guys give me some more?

-Trillionaire Wood

Yesterday I talked about my reality shows ideas and I would like to see them on TV.  Sadly my agent said the networks shot them down… oh well…

 I’m starting to notice how basically there is a chain reaction to reality shows.   Some people just go from one to the next.  Or as the bible would put it…  The devil begat The Surreal Life.  The Surreal Life begat Strange Love,  Strange Love Begat Flavor of Love,  Flavor of Love begat I Love New York, and I Love New York Begat Real Chance at Love.  And the beast was unleashed upon the Earth and reigned for a 1,000 years.  And there were plagues and pestilence.  And black people got dumber by the day…  (oh sorry went on a little tangent there).  Anyway…

I doubt that there are many career opportunities after being on these shows.  Namely because most of these people weren’t employable in the first place.  And usually after appearing on one of these shows, you make yourself unemployable.  Because most employers would love to see you act a fool, but don’t want you doing it at McDonalds during the lunch time rush.

So I present to you the Top 5 careers after your stint on a reality show.

1.  Another Reality Show.  Hey keep those $700 an episode checks coming in.  As long as you stay of tax payer money.

2. Go back to stripping.  Cause let’s be honest that is the only job you can leave for a couple of weeks to go do a reality show like Real Chance at Love and come back right where you left off.

3. Rapper or Singer.  Most use this as a spring board into those careers.   And it has worked for…hmmm…  drawing a blank here.

4. Acting.  I doubt if you can make it fake reality work.  I’m sure a script is going to be a bit difficult for you.  But hey you can try it.

5. The typical business venture.   Clothing line, book, etc.  I’m sure it would have been just as easy to make a worthwhile product and work hard to make it happen.  But hey we’re in a microwave society, so we don’t time for that work hard and be patient bull. 

My fellow nerds name me some more careers.

-Trillionaire Wood

Everybody that knows me, knows I don’t watch much TV.   My TV is usually on two channels:  Cartoon Network and HGTV.   I know… I know…   Cartoon Network + HGTV = SISSY!   Well I ain’t no punk!  Test me if you want!

Anyway.  I started flipping through channels and I landed on TVOne (A*K*A,  We’re better than BET but not really).  Well, I started seeing reality shows that were coming out.  I know I’ve been under a rock, so please don’t revoke my black card, but I didn’t know Al B. Sure had a reality show.

*editors note:  I did some more research and realized that he is actually a bachelor competing against other bachelors for… wait for it…  Omarosa!   You’ve got to be kidding me… LOL and other stuff.

And apparently Chilli from TLC does too.   Say it ain’t so Rozonda!!! She is trying find love in all the wrong places.  Then there is a show called NBA wives on MTV.  And I’m like wow is there a reality show for everything?

And so I thought if they can make reality shows for anything, I thought I would pitch some concepts.   You guys tell me what you think…

1.  REGULAR A$$ NINJA$-  We always see the shows where you got people living these ridiculously plush lives. They’re in a masion with the Magic City practice squad.  So I thought why not have a show called Regular Ninjas.  It’s really simple.  You follow a guy around on his normal day.  He gets up, goes to work, maybe works out in the evening, chills with his girl, and goes to bed.   Now I know you may think, “that’s boring and where is the drama?”.   But here is the kicker, HE’S BLACK AND SUCCESSFUL!  So that day actually is more like this…

a. He gets up late and has to think of an excuse because he is on his last strike.

b. He gets pulled over by the cops because obviously he stole that Hyundai.

c. He gets to work and is bombarded by a daily dose of you better be glad we still have quotas around.

d. Him and his girl get into because she’s black and that’s just what happens.  (foward all your hate mail to 123 Idontgiveacrap LN. ,  Your City, YS 12345)

e.  He goes to sleep pissed.

2. Regular A$$ Chicks

a.  See above

b. Add a few more gallons of drama because she is going to talk to her friends about the fight.

3.  Man We Oughta – This show is where instead of  walking away from that one friend that has never had your best interest at heart,  you actually listen to him.  Oh that should be fun.   I know there is a show on Cartoon Network like this called “Dude What Would Happen?”  *Warning side rant*  How in the heck you gone have a reality show on Cartoon Network?  That’s really starting to piss me off *side rant over*.  In that show you have three cats come up with stupid experiments and see what happens.  But here is the difference.  This isn’t any controlled experiment.  You just do it.   Like the show Jackass but with more club fights and probably some drug sales.

4.  Gut Punch -  This is a show where you just go around ruining dreams of people.  Like everyone that raps.  You just go and tell them just how wack they are.  If you can’t sing , act, playball we tell you.  And this show should start at a young age.   Like 10 and older.  Maybe we can salvage the future of the youth.

5.  You’re a Has Been, or a Never Was.  Stop it. -  On this show you go around and actually deny people reality shows that usually get them.   Like you go tell Lisaraye her show has been cancelled because she only famous for being a stripper in a movie.  Then you pour red paint on that d@mn white she wears all the freaking time.

So my fellow nerds help me come up with some more reality shows.

-Trillionaire Wood

When I was in college, there was a dorm at my school called Confederate Memorial Hall.   Most of the time it was just called Confederate Hall, which I don’t need to tell you caused many a black people to look like the way Three Six Mafia described Chinese women’s vaginas.  It’s just something about the word “Confederate” that brings in thoughts of Kunta Kinte, and him being whipped into the name Toby. The reason for the name, Confederate Memorial Hall, was it was funded by the Daughters of the the Confederacy (DOC) as a memorial to the fallen soldiers of the Confederacy.

Well because of public outcry, the dorm’s name was changed to Memorial Hall. This was done without the DOC’s knowledge, and they sued (rightfully so).  Well Vandy was a little smart.  The university changed the name in all publications, but left the name on the building facade.  They didn’t want to have to give UDC back  the $50, 000 that was given to fund the dorm 72 years ago… Which in today’s dollars converts to about $2.2 million… or about a year’s tuition for one student …J/K…only a little.  :(

While I was in college, I followed the crowd on this one which was, “Screw them!  They made us slaves!”  Well now I have to go back on that previous idea.  Although slavery was a huge part of the Confederacy, I understand there were numerous other issues that caused that war.  And those men, at the time, died for their country fighting for what they believed in.   And if their people want to pay for a memorial for that, then I have to say that is all good to me… BUT…We have to see both sides of that:  The dark and the light.  Sadly, in most wars that are fought, only the winner gets to decide who was right.  I’m sure if the South had won, the North would have the same problems with memorials.

“Treason is all a matter of dates ” – From the Movie the Count of Monte Cristo.

I’ll add to that it’s a matter of outcome as well.

But I say all that to keep my topic in perspective.

VA Gov.  Bob McDonnell made the declaration that April will be “Confederate History Month”.  Now I can see where people would have a problem with this.  But let’s be clear (In my Obama voice)…  I think it is just as wrong not to have a Confederate History month as it is to not to have Black History Month.  He did it for a clear reason.  He wanted to honor the past and boost tourism for the state.  I don’t have a problem with that.  But here is my problem Bob…

How dare you not cite the roll of slavery?  Now Bob I don’t have a problem with you honoring your people, but don’t you dare not tell the whole truth.  Keep it real son!

I think Martin Luther King was one of the greatest men to walk the Earth.  We honor him as well as all black pioneers during Black History month.  But let’s be honest.  MLK smoked, and he messed around with other women.  That’s the truth, and we would do ourselves a disservice not to tell the whole truth no matter how ugly it is.

I’m probably thinking too much on this one when I think about Bob’s merits.  (Which I tend to do)  But to me that is very careless and mildly racist.

So I don’t have any problem with what you do.  I say leave the name Confederate Memorial Hall.  I say have your Confederate Month.  But don’t forget my heritage in the process.

Wood has Spoken.

-Trillionaire Wood

This year marks my 10 year High School Reunion, and I’m sure this will be an interesting event.  Watching people compare their lives with their peers…  Seeing who has done well…  Seeing who has not…  Seeing how Agnes burst out that 300lb cocoon of fat, braces, and think glasses to become jet beauty of the week…  Seeing who reverted back to a Neanderthal…  Seeing who is still reminiscing on the 4 touch downs they scored in a single game.   Like I said…

This is going to be interesting.

But I won’t lie, I did take some time to think about the last ten years of my life, the ups, the downs, and the in-betweens.  And I asked myself, “Is this where I wanted to be?”  The answer is simple:  Hell no!  I was “conversating” with my boy the other day and he put it all into perspective.  He asked the question… “Where is my David?”

I asked him to explain himself.  He went on to say that David was one of Michelangelo’s greatest masterpieces and he created by the age of 25.  Now I’ve done some great things in my day, but to create a sculpture that has been world renown for centuries has far surpassed that one legendary house party I threw that everybody came to.

Well, this is put up or shut up time.  I could have taken time to do the usual stuff people do.  Make excuses as to why I don’t have my masterpiece…my poor background, Michelangelo isn’t the norm, etc.  But I decided to ask myself constructively why I hadn’t created my David, and I implore you to ask yourself the same.  These are the reasons I feel like my David is still a huge block of marble…

1. No focus… I, like most people at this point in my life, spent a lot of time on delusions of grandeur.  Not that dreams aren’t great.  But stop dreaming and get to work.  Time.  “she keeps on passin’ me by”.

2. You slacker… I bet if anyone looks at their life they don’t realize just how much time their wasting.  I mean you are reading a blog right now from a no-talent writer and I’m sure there is something more important you could be doing.

3.   No plans… I don’t know how many times I have heard, “N!gga we about to be big on this scene!!!”  Usually it surrounds the entertainment industry:  Rapping, promoting etc.  Like black people are only limited to that industry. (That’s another post entirely).  And generally their plans are worse than the underpants gnomes.

4.  Too much fear… But what if I fail?   So what?!!  Learn from it, get up, and keep it moving.  Stop being a little Kobe ( it’s my new word for b!tch)

My fellow nerds what other advice do you have for me to inspire me to get my David done?

I’ll be back to read after I sit on the couch daydreaming about my many hustles that I won’t write down because I don’t feel like it and I’m too scared to try.

- Trillionaire Wood  a*k*a Wood the Great.

It’s an epidemic!

Or is it a few cases that cause mass hysteria?!

Apparently, the flavor of the day on blogs throughout the web, is a Washington Post article on Helena Andrews.   Helena is a  single, 29 year old, successful black woman, living in D.C.  She’s about to release a new book titled, “B*tch Is the New Black.”  It’s a memoir on the perils of being a successful, upwardly mobile, black woman.  There are also plans for a film based on the book. 

You can read the article here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/12/09/AR2009120904546.html

Also, www.verysmartbrothas.com has a great post on the issue/article.

Meanwhile, here are a few excerpts from the Washington Post article:

Andrews writes about what it is like for a young, black woman dating in D.C., trying to find a mate who seems ever elusive. The futile rituals are familiar: the dressing up, the eager cab ride over to the party, the hold-your-breath as you walk in, scanning the room quickly for any looks returned. The mantra sounding in the back of your head: “So-and-so found a man last year at a party like this. Maybe tonight is my night.” Then one by one, the men prove to be disappointments and disappointing: married, uninteresting or uninterested.

The disappointment as you end up at the bar once again, committing straw violence in your drink (stirring the drink frantically and unconsciously).

Andrews writes the truth of those nights. The truth is for too many, they never work out. Not for Andrews and not for her friend, Gina, who is a prominent character in her life and in the book.

“For a lot of black women, especially young successful black women, we have a lot of boxes on our master plan list checked off,” Andrews says. “We think happiness should come immediately after that. But that is not always the case.”

Love is much too hard to find and when these women do, it may go all wrong because of issues that are too complicated for statistics, Andrews says. She is quick to say, “There are tons of black families who are healthy and good.” Even so, black women are more likely than white women to grow up poor or otherwise struggling financially; to be fatherless and to experience a myriad of other societal and/or familial dysfunctions. Ironically, the “issues” can also include being a “strong” woman: the can-do, opinionated type many black women become after growing up in a matriarchal household, the type with whom some men still just can’t deal.

“I have tons of friends who are extremely successful lawyers and lobbyists, staffers on the Hill. They are great at what they do. They are in their late 20s and early 30s,” Andrews says, sipping Ethiopian coffee. Her dog, Miles, is sitting beneath the restaurant table, whining softly.

“But there is loneliness at their jobs, because most likely they are the only black person there and people treat them like they are the only black person there. They dress a certain way. They go out on the weekend. . . . And still they end up going home, and it’s you and your d*mned dog.”

For my black women who feel like they fall into this category… I seriously believe this is a personal problem.  It isn’t an epidemic.  It’s just life.  Sure, you have your degree, a good job, a nice place, and a few of the finer things in life that may constitute “success.”  But just because you haven’t found a Barack Obama-type with swag doesn’t mean it’s hard out here for you.  Maybe your standards really are too high.  Maybe the fact that you have a degree and a job doesn’t really mean crap in the grand scheme of things.  What lies beneath your resume?  What other qualities do you bring to the table. 

Which brings us to my ode/parody of the Helena Andrews epidemic.  Cause after all, she just wants to be successful, right?

Beyonce:
I want the money,
Money and the cars,
Cars and the clothes, (and to be)
Betrothed! (Troooooothed!)
I suppose…
I just want to be… I just want to be successfullllllll
I just want I to be… I just want to be successfulllllll

Helena:
Awww yeah B, I effin’ feel ya
They be staring at the B.A. like it’s unfamiliar
I got it and earned it, to me there’s nothing realer
Except this condo in the ‘burbs, something like a villa,
And when I leave, I always come right back here (alone)
The black woman that all of these black men fear,
I had me a winter boo, but that was last year
Dropped his a** quick, he was a muthaf*ckin’ cashier!
A thousand thread count sheets on my bed,
Quarters of creamy crack shape the perm in my head,
Take my attitude too serious, you hate me,
Cause I don’t feel a brutha who ain’t ballin’ with a J.D.
Yeah… I want it all that’s why I strive for it
Text me, and you’ll never get a reply for it
Any Happy Hour, 1st Friday, I get fly for it
I know hubby’s coming, I just hope that I’m alive for him…

So, I was at the court house this week.  I’m sure anyone who has been at a courthouse for any reason has witnessed society’s equivalent to Cirqe de Sole’.   The events at the courthouse led me to this question.  Have you ever been so embarrassed by your own race that you almost felt unworthy to look at someone from another race?  I’m talking about  that crawl under a pillow embarrassment.  Well I have, and it was this week.

I’m sitting outside the court room and I just saw some of the most ignant (yes I said ignant) crap I’ve ever seen in my life.  This one guy walks around the corner and is in full n*gga garb.  He had on a fake fur coat, nappy braids, a hat, and gold teeth.  GOING TO COURT!!!  I mean if you looked up n*gga in the dictionary, his picture would be there next to T-Pain’s, Lil Wayne’s, Al Sharpton, and Jesse Jackson.  Anyway this is how our story begins.

He comes around the corner on his speaker phone talking about he is about to get a divorce.   Not only that, he is cussing loud, he’s late, and he has to be asked to remove his hat.  Now I know I’m being judgmental.  But I’m almost positive he knows the rules of the court.  Then when he gets ready to go in he tells the court officer, “I’ll be back let me go take care of this restraining order thing first.”  Wait!  You are late for court, and then you tell them to wait on you??!!  Get the heck outta here!

Oh I’m not done.  Then he starts walking in and out of the court room because he keeps getting calls.  TURN YOUR PHONE OFF!  ARE YOU INSANE?  EVER HEARD OF CONTEMPT???  So on the 5^th or 6^th occurrence of walking out of the court room he runs into one of his friends.  I believed if there was a female form of the word n*gga, her picture would be next to it along with Khia, New York, Jackie-O, and Souljah Girl (Youtube, “Souljah Girl, Crazy Girl on Train).   So this lady proceeds to show him all the places where she has covered the tattoos up of her former husbands’ names.  “She’s like yeah I’m getting rid of this MF in all places.” 

This is the point in the story where I’m too embarrassed to look at the white man that has been sitting next to me the whole time.  I mean I’m embarrassed to the point where I want to look at him and say, “ You see these n*ggas?”

My fellow nerds tell me of your… “I was embarrassed to be White, Black, Asian, Hispanic, Indian, Native American, etc.” story.

Here is a forum I read the other day with some great court tales.  Check it out here…

Not spankings… whoopins!  When you think of a spanking, you think of hand-to-bottom.  When you think of whoopins, you think of belt, switch, brush, extension cord, race car track, etc, to bottom, legs, back, etc.  LOL.

Continuing from yesterday’s post by Wood, we wanted to have a little fun today and talk about the types of whoopins typically given in most black households growing up.  Let’s get into it:

The Broken Record - In the middle of the whoopin, mama just starts sounding like a broken record… with each lash from the belt coinciding with a word.  At the end, she proceeds to get her Lil Jon on… Ex: DON’T(BAP).YOU(BAP).EVER(BAP).DO(BAP).THAT(BAP).A(BAP)GAIN!!!!!(BAP, BAP, BAP).HUH?(BAP)HUH?(BAP)HUH?(BAP)YOUHEAHMEH?(BAP)HUH?(BAP)WHAAAAT??!!(BAP)YAYEAAA!!!!!!!(BAP)OKAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!(BAP)

The Felt-A-Belt - You heard of the Rope-A-Dope?  Well, I’m sure Muhammed Ali got that idea from his mama when she was tearin’ that tail up!  The Felt-A-Belt happens when you’re getting a whoopin with a belt.  Somewhere in the middle of the thrashing, you get this bright idea to grab the belt.  What ensues is the greatest battle of wills ever witnessed.  It’s when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. 

Parent: ”Boy, I know you just ain’t grab this belt!  Let it go!”

Child: “Uh uhhhhhhh (sniffle)”

Parent: “Let it got, boy!”

Child: “Uh uhhhhhh.  You hit my scaaaaabbbbbb!”

At this point, U.N. peacekeepers are usually called in to intervene.

Death Row - You’re at the store.  You’re acting up.  Mom or Dad says, “I’mma get you when we get home.”  You’d rather they just whoop you in the store.  The time at the store becomes longer.  The car ride home is a road trip.  And then you get home… but nothing happens!  You carry on.  You eat dinner.  Mom or Dad might even crack a little joke or two.  Then you get ready for bed.  You get in your pajamas, shorts, or whatever.  You turn out the light.  Then you get in the bed.  Then the light comes on with your parent looking like this:

 ”Now, you know you don’ f****d up right?”

Then the whoopin’ proceeds.

Have I missed anything?  What other types of whoopins are out there?  What’s the craziest thing you received a spanking/whoopin’ for?  Any funny moments?

In black culture it is a widely accepted practice to spank children.  Heck it’s a cornerstone of rearing. (rearing and spanking…lol…get it…Ba dum Ching.  Thank you ladies and gentlemen I’ll be here all week.)

There is always the quote…

“Spare the rod, Spoil the child.”

Now I’m not here to say that spanking children is wrong, but I do wonder sometime do we use that as a first resort or a last when disciplining our children. 

I can count the number of times I’ve been spanked in my life, and none of them were really bad.  I was just acting up, and it was time to lay down the law.  My mother got me early in life so that I would know better later on.  Later on, all she had to do was make a little threat and I was back to Angelic Wood.  

I can vividly remember going on a church trip to Dallas.  As the bus was about to leave Dallas, we decided (me and some other kids) to go exploring around the hotel.  Well needless to say when our moms found us it wasn’t pretty.  It was like watching Leonidas and the Spartans beat on the Immortals…lol  But I didn’t get spanked with them.  I thought I had gotten away.  Then… I felt this sharp pain in my back.  It almost felt like my back had caved in.  Well my mother had took her right hand, reached down into the pit of “The Hot Gates”, and brought back a hit that would knock a full grown gorilla to the ground.  Needless to say, lesson learned.  When it was time to go, it was time to go…lol

On the other side, I have cousins and friends that I feel got spanked daily and they didn’t fair so well in life. 

I really liked the show “My Wife and Kids”.  You never saw Michael Kyle raise his hands to any of the children, but he got his point across.  He used creative strategies to not only punish, but to make his kids understand why he did the things he did.  He would get carried away sometimes, but I thought it was an ingenious way to not physically harm his kids. 

Here is an interesting article on spanking and how people try reference the bible to say it’s okay.

So my fellow nerds what say you?  Is spanking okay?  Is it a last resort?  Is it a first resort?

BTW if you have never seen Sinbad’s HBO special at morehouse, I implore you to find it.  His routine on spanking is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in my life…lol

-Trillionaire Wood aka Wood the Great

My partner in business, Southern Charm, wrote a post a couple of weeks back about Birdman and Lil’ Wayne and their affiliation with the Suu Woo nation.

Read it here 

In a nut shell he was saying that Birdman may be a gangsta, but at the end of the day it’s all about money.

Which brings me to my picture of the line up.  It’s safe to say that it represents a fair sampling of the most popular rappers out there.  And it’s also safe to say that these guys generally have very violent lyrics and talk about a life that is probably not true.

Rick Ross: Former Correctional Officer and College Graduate

Lil Wayne:  Was in College.  Now instead of Penn State he’s headed to the State Pen. And rumor has it that he never started cussing until he was 18.

Plies:  Have you heard the interview.  OMG!  This negro has better grammar that Cornell West…lol

T.I.:  Owns a construction company with his uncle.

Young Jeezy:  This cat may actually be gangsta.  I’ve never heard anything to the contrary.

But 1 out of 5 is not a good %. 

So why do they act that way?  Well duh!!!  It’s for the money.  I get that.  But my question becomes does life imitate art or does art imitate life?  And I really think it’s a cyclical thing.

I’m a grown man.  And in the past I have watched BET and have become desensitized to reality.  So for an impressionable youth, it is possible for them to watch a video, listen to a song, and believe that the song is actually real life.

So this is how I see rise of the Hip Hop Gangsta:  Groups like NWA come out.  They make money.  People listen to them and get desensitized to violence.  Now the record company sees it makes money and they have 100 new acts working the formula.  More people become desensitized.  Then people like Lil Wayne come along that don’t even rap like that.  But they want to work the formula.  So now Lil Wayne and the whole lot are gangsta.  Then I think what happens is these people begin to believe the bull they are peddling.  Birth to a Hip Hop gangsta.  Next thing you know he is being busted for having drugs and weapons. Which I’m almost convinced is a ploy by they higher ups to continue to paint the image. 

N!gga you not gangsta!

So the questions I pose to you…  Should these guys be censored?  Should they be allowed to rap and keep spreading the nonsense?  Is it the parents fault when kids act out the songs and videos? Is it cool to be gansta?

-Trillionaire Wood