Author Archives: Trillionaire Wood

Is Online Dating the Elementary Note?

likeme 300x225 Is Online Dating the Elementary Note?

We’ve all gotten the note when we were kids. It usually went something like this:

Do you like me?

_Yes

_No

And typically we got something like this back:

_Yes

_ No

X Maybe

I got a lot of these:

_ Yes

_ No

X Maybe Hell No

LOL But anyway…

I think as kids, we had the right idea. We didn’t play around when it came down to dating. It was put all out there from the beginning. If you got a note, there was no mistaking what time it was. If we sat next to each other during lunch, or our mats were next to each other during nap time, then we were together.

But as we got older the nuances of male-female, or female-female, or male-male, or Animal- Human (Or whatever you’re into. We don’t judge here at the Cool Table you nasty mutha…) have changed.

Somehow a person coming to ask you for your number at the club, or you going on date with a person, no longer automatically means the person is interested. But we all know it really does. Somehow we have tricked ourselves into thinking that dating is this complicated social process in which every word and every phrase is over-thought.

“I just want to be friends,” no longer means that to people. We say that, and then we proceed to have friendly sex… Leaving both parties forever confused.

Then there is the opposite. We go out on a date, and the date is riddled with awkward moments without clear signals of how you two should proceed.

Well, I think we need to go back to the days of elementary. Say what you want about kids, but they got this dating stuff down to an exact science.

I write a note, we get together, we figure out it’s not going to work by recess, and we are dating someone new by the next day…LOL

Well we can’t go back to elementary, so what is a person to do?

In comes Online Dating. 

I know what you’re thinking, and I have my reservations too. But I had a friend ask me about the idea of online dating. I suppose my issue came from the idea that the internet is where crazy people go to find their next victim. But in reality, we run the same risk as we do if we meet someone in public.

To be honest, when you really think about it though, this type of dating actually solves the problem. It is the electronic “do you like me” note.

You put yourself out there, and someone contacts you to let you know they are interested (They check yes). If you don’t get contacted by people (They are checking no) then you don’t have to deal with the rejection face to face. And best of all, there are no “maybes” here. You go out with no one, and go on to save having the slightest thought that this is just a “friendly date”. All intentions are known up front, and if doesn’t work out then you’re back on the prowl.

I’ll be honest.  I’m not bold enough to jump online and pimp myself out yet. But I can’t knock anyone who does. At least they are going for what they want.

So what say you? Is Online Dating okay? Is it the grown-up form of the Elementary Note? Is it just as efficient?

Caucasian Genres (Movies that wouldn’t be good as a Black Version)

movie theater Caucasian Genres (Movies that wouldnt be good as a Black Version)

I was thinking of movies that wouldn’t be good if there was a black version.  And I came to a conclusion that it’s not movies that don’t make sense in a black version.  I have to rule out whole genres.

Romantic Comedies –

Now I know most of you are thinking about those movies of the Late 90’s early 2000’s that were like Tyler Perry Presents How Stella Got Her Wood While Getting Love and Basketball with her Best Man.  Those were more like Romantic Drama.  I’m talking about Romantic Comedies like 50 First Dates and Wedding Crashers.  Those movies would not work in a Black Version.  Let’s be honest after the 2nd date on 50 First Dates that cat woulda been like this “this chick is too crazy for me.  Plus she can’t remember I spent lobster on her last night.  I’m out!”  Then you got Wedding Crashers.  I was at a black wedding this past weekend.  Trust me them cheap people would have spotted a poser a mile away. “Um…no… We got food for 25 people who are you two?!!” Then they would have been escorted out by Pookie and ’em.

Horror Movie –

This wouldn’t work because the movie would be too short.

Example:

House : GET OUT!

(People Leave)

The End

And don’t give that Blackbuster Bull they put on BET.  Leprechaun: In the hood It’s exactly what they call it a “HORROR”ible Commedy.  (ba dum ching)

Family Movies where the kids win –

Ice Cube and Bernie Mac have disappointed me.  I know Bernie Mac Never had a movie, but that show pissed me off.  There is no way those kids would have gotten away with the stuff they did in a real man’s house.   And come on Cube.  “Ain’t no loving good enough to get burnt while I’m up in it.  Now that’s realer than Real Deal Holyfield.” – Snoop Dogg.  Oh his show was some bull too.  See our post on Minstreal Reality Shows.

So there are some of the Genres I think are strictly Caucasian.  Can you guys give me some more?

-Trillionaire Wood

Weekend

1147123775 smokey2 Weekend

It's Friday, you ain't got no job, and you ain't got sh** to do!

Hey everybody.  I really don’t have anything to talk about today so I just want to say have a happy weekend and do something different.

Don’t do the typical stuff this weekend: Movies and Clubbing.

Try something new…  Here are 10 things you can do this weekend that are unconventional good times.

1. Museum

2. Festival (Try to find some kind of multicultural festival.  You’ll be surprised at how much you and another culture have in common).

3.  Go Hiking

4. Take a drive. ( I know gas is a million dollars a gallon, but you might find something in your own town that you never noticed before.

5. Take a class. ( Go learn pottery.  Take a cooking class)

6. Read a book outside.

7. Concert (Memphis in May starts this weekend!)

8. Take a walk.

9. Get on boat.

10. Go do some volunteering.

Well I guess this post got a little longer than it should.   If you have any suggestion let me know.  I’m a little bored.

-Trillionaire Wood

Top 5 Careers After Doing a Reality Show.

rjo0864l Top 5 Careers After Doing a Reality Show.

Yesterday I talked about my reality shows ideas and I would like to see them on TV.  Sadly my agent said the networks shot them down… oh well…

 I’m starting to notice how basically there is a chain reaction to reality shows.   Some people just go from one to the next.  Or as the bible would put it…  The devil begat The Surreal Life.  The Surreal Life begat Strange Love,  Strange Love Begat Flavor of Love,  Flavor of Love begat I Love New York, and I Love New York Begat Real Chance at Love.  And the beast was unleashed upon the Earth and reigned for a 1,000 years.  And there were plagues and pestilence.  And black people got dumber by the day…  (oh sorry went on a little tangent there).  Anyway…

I doubt that there are many career opportunities after being on these shows.  Namely because most of these people weren’t employable in the first place.  And usually after appearing on one of these shows, you make yourself unemployable.  Because most employers would love to see you act a fool, but don’t want you doing it at McDonalds during the lunch time rush.

So I present to you the Top 5 careers after your stint on a reality show.

1.  Another Reality Show.  Hey keep those $700 an episode checks coming in.  As long as you stay of tax payer money.

2. Go back to stripping.  Cause let’s be honest that is the only job you can leave for a couple of weeks to go do a reality show like Real Chance at Love and come back right where you left off.

3. Rapper or Singer.  Most use this as a spring board into those careers.   And it has worked for…hmmm…  drawing a blank here.

4. Acting.  I doubt if you can make it fake reality work.  I’m sure a script is going to be a bit difficult for you.  But hey you can try it.

5. The typical business venture.   Clothing line, book, etc.  I’m sure it would have been just as easy to make a worthwhile product and work hard to make it happen.  But hey we’re in a microwave society, so we don’t time for that work hard and be patient bull. 

My fellow nerds name me some more careers.

-Trillionaire Wood

The South Shall Rise Again!

image5518423g The South Shall Rise Again!

When I was in college, there was a dorm at my school called Confederate Memorial Hall.   Most of the time it was just called Confederate Hall, which I don’t need to tell you caused many a black people to look like the way Three Six Mafia described Chinese women’s vaginas.  It’s just something about the word “Confederate” that brings in thoughts of Kunta Kinte, and him being whipped into the name Toby. The reason for the name, Confederate Memorial Hall, was it was funded by the Daughters of the the Confederacy (DOC) as a memorial to the fallen soldiers of the Confederacy.

Well because of public outcry, the dorm’s name was changed to Memorial Hall. This was done without the DOC’s knowledge, and they sued (rightfully so).  Well Vandy was a little smart.  The university changed the name in all publications, but left the name on the building facade.  They didn’t want to have to give UDC back  the $50, 000 that was given to fund the dorm 72 years ago… Which in today’s dollars converts to about $2.2 million… or about a year’s tuition for one student …J/K…only a little.  🙁

While I was in college, I followed the crowd on this one which was, “Screw them!  They made us slaves!”  Well now I have to go back on that previous idea.  Although slavery was a huge part of the Confederacy, I understand there were numerous other issues that caused that war.  And those men, at the time, died for their country fighting for what they believed in.   And if their people want to pay for a memorial for that, then I have to say that is all good to me… BUT…We have to see both sides of that:  The dark and the light.  Sadly, in most wars that are fought, only the winner gets to decide who was right.  I’m sure if the South had won, the North would have the same problems with memorials.

“Treason is all a matter of dates ” – From the Movie the Count of Monte Cristo.

I’ll add to that it’s a matter of outcome as well.

But I say all that to keep my topic in perspective.

VA Gov.  Bob McDonnell made the declaration that April will be “Confederate History Month”.  Now I can see where people would have a problem with this.  But let’s be clear (In my Obama voice)…  I think it is just as wrong not to have a Confederate History month as it is to not to have Black History Month.  He did it for a clear reason.  He wanted to honor the past and boost tourism for the state.  I don’t have a problem with that.  But here is my problem Bob…

How dare you not cite the roll of slavery?  Now Bob I don’t have a problem with you honoring your people, but don’t you dare not tell the whole truth.  Keep it real son!

I think Martin Luther King was one of the greatest men to walk the Earth.  We honor him as well as all black pioneers during Black History month.  But let’s be honest.  MLK smoked, and he messed around with other women.  That’s the truth, and we would do ourselves a disservice not to tell the whole truth no matter how ugly it is.

I’m probably thinking too much on this one when I think about Bob’s merits.  (Which I tend to do)  But to me that is very careless and mildly racist.

So I don’t have any problem with what you do.  I say leave the name Confederate Memorial Hall.  I say have your Confederate Month.  But don’t forget my heritage in the process.

Wood has Spoken.

-Trillionaire Wood

Bad Taste in My Mouth

cupid Bad Taste in My Mouth

Valentines Day leaves a bad taste in my mouth like those nasty little chalky hearts with the stupid messages.

necco sweethearts Bad Taste in My Mouth

Well the 3 of you that read this blog on the regular know I’m not big on holidays, so you already know that Valentines Day is just another day to me.  I hate the idea that I’m required to show you love on one day a year.  And the only reason it hurts low self-esteem having women people is because they are comparing their situation to others.  Well let me give you some reasons to stop worrying about if you didn’t get any Valentines Day goodies from your loved one.

1.  She may get a red heart full of chocolates today, but a red eye full of swelling tomorrow….  Sometimes big displays of love is just for show.  Is he/she treating them with respect the rest of the year?

2.  Is every day like Valentines day?  Going with point # 1.  Do you get flowers every day anyway.  Then why trip on the one day of year when people jack up the price of everything because they know you will be in the dog house if you don’t buy them.  It’s simple economics people.

3.  Do y’all have the money for what you want?  I say it like my mother use to tell me…

Me: “I want some Jordans!”

Ma Dukes (I’ve always wanted to say that): “You got some Jordan money?”

LOL!

Maybe he decided a long time ago since you raised hell because he didn’t buy you that diamond necklace that you wanted and made you a heart out of construction paper because that’s all he could afford.  It was either diamonds or rent, he decided to opt for keeping a roof over your head.

My fellow nerds…  Am I just being mean and cynical or is Valentines day just another overrated holiday?  Or am I just mad I didn’t get anything for V-Day?

Trillionair€ Wood

aka

Wood the Gr€at

aka

Wood L. J€nkins

Haiti Earthquake = God’s Will?

 

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, or your George  W. Bush circa 2005 Hurricane Katrina your life has been enveloped in the crisis in Haiti…

Well of course you’re getting hit from all sides on this tragedy. 

Some people say don’t give because we are already giving money through income tax.

Some people say give because it’s right the right thing to do.

If there is an opinion on this issue, it has been voiced.  And you have had a chance to weigh in on it.

But I must say their are two opinions that seems to pull me in every time.

 One made by Pat Robertson of the 700 Club.  Mr. Robertson has said on his show…

“Something happened a long time ago in Haiti and people might not want to talk about it,” the televangelist said. “And they got together and swore a pact to the Devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you’ll get us free from the French.’ True story. And so the Devil said, ‘Okay, it’s a deal.’ . . . But ever since they have been cursed by one thing after another.”

So basically he’s saying they are cursed for what they did.  I’m not a fan of this comment because it’s based on speculative history.

But this is the one that really got me.

Rev. Eric Toussaint while addressing his congregation is quoted as saying…

“Why give thanks to God? Because we are here,” “What happened is the will of God.”

Now I could be totally misreading his  quotes and he may be saying that them surviving was the will of God, but it seems like he is saying the earthquake was the will of God.  That is about as believable as the plot for the movie Legion.

I have to say I’m totally in disagreement with both men.  I don’t believe that God goes around handing out punishment like water.  God loves us.  You can’t tell me in one breath God would give his only son so that the world be saved then go around killing people because he was angry with you or you made a pack with the devil.

What do you guys think?  Was the earthquake the will of God? 

-Trillionaire Wood

Another Year…And a better me.

 Another Year...And a better me.

Today I have reached a new birthday.  I am 2* and feeling good. 

As I get older, I’m starting to understand that those things that your parents say, you’ll understand much better when you’re older.  Things that use to matter just don’t matter as much.  And things that didn’t matter in the past, matter so much more now.

The one thing that I can say about gettin golder is the best part about this moment is learning to not take things so seriously.  When I finally got that revelation, my life became so much better.  And if anyone has known me for a long time then they realize that was not a simple accomplishment. 

But it feels good to not feel obligated to go out.  Sometimes I just like to sleep. 

It feels good to walk away from an argument and not care that I didn’t win.  I always ask myself, “Will it matter tomorrow?”.

It  feels good to be comfortable about the fact that I like cartoons and I don’t give a crap who knows it.  (Don’t tell anybody else.)

Well this week as I was reaching the momentous occasion, I ran across one of those fowarded e-mails.  The one’s that tell you that if you don’t forward your computer will blow in 5 seconds or that God will stop loving you.  And I think it’s appropriate for anyone reaching a new age and wants to be a better person.

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay ‘them.’

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning.  Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name isAlzheimer’s.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh  often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6… The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:  If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.

Happy Birthday to me and Happy Early Birthday to you all.

-Trillionaire Wood

Worst Pick-up Lines Part 1 (holla, holla, holla)

holla Worst Pick up Lines Part 1 (holla, holla, holla)

 

Let me start off by saying I have no game.

I mean I see guys on TV and out that just seem to know how to say the right thing at the right times to ladies.  I’m not one of those guys. 

When I do manage the courage to actually talk to a lady it usually comes out as a run on sentence in a crackling teenage voice that goes a little like… “ITHINKYOURCUTECANIHAVEYOURNUMBERANDTAKEYOUSOMETIMEPLEASE!”

Yeah not the hotness at all.  Sorry to any woman I ever hit with that game.  Well as bad as that sounds, I have heard friends tell me lines they have used and lines that have been used on them that make my sad attempt sound like Shakespeare.

Here are some of my favorites.

Don’t be affraid to get wet.

Say B!tch.  What’s your name? (followed by “F*** you then”, when she doesn’t respond)

Guh, you shaped like a coke bottle.  Lemme know when u want me to pop the top and sip.

Girl you got a big booty, can I have your number?  (She then turns to look at the creature that spewed the nonsense).  Aw you cute too.  WTF???

Oooh Girl he got gold teeth!  I know you got money!

I really could gone on all day with these.  But I really want to hear some of the things that have been said to you that would make you “loose your religion”.

I’ll post the best ones tomorrow.

-Trillionaire Wood

 

Now I Ain’t Sayin’ He a Gold Digger, Actually I Am

jonathan plummer Now I Aint Sayin He a Gold Digger, Actually I Am 

And ode to the great African-American Gigolo , Jonathan Plummer.

 I can’t believe she didn’t see that.  I mean he looks like a feminine Prince.

So I was asked the question the other day… “Can men be Gold Diggers?”  And the only reply I could think of was, “Is John McCain Old?”  Of course men can be Gold Diggers.  But to be honest any man that tries to live off a woman, and cannot contribute anything, can’t really be called a man.

Well the background story to this question was that this young lady had a man trying to court her.  Before they ever went on a date he was asking for phone bill money.  She told him no and he went on to the next John… or Jeannette.  My prostitution allusion didn’t go as well as I thought it would right there.  Moving along… Anyway ladies yes there are male gold diggers.  And here are 5 signs of the male Gold Digger:

  1.  He wants you to take him out for the first or subsequent dates.  Now I don’t have a problem if every once in a while my lady wanted to take me out.  But I wouldn’t want to make it a habit where she is taking me out all the time.
  2. He’s asking for help on specific bills.  Your first question should be… “How were you getting by before you met me?”
  3. He seems to have possessions that can’t be paid for by his current salary.  He has a high rise apartment downtown with new furniture, but works at McDonald’s.  See also drug dealer, robber, etc.
  4. He’s always talking about something he needs and mentioning the upcoming holidays.  Almost hinting at something.
  5. He’s always talking about how broke he is.

I just noticed these same rules apply to women.  Well these are your rules for the day.  Please govern yourselves accordingly.  And if you have a few signs go ahead and drop me a few. 

-Trillionaire Wood