Men’s Hidden Truth #1,294…

So… You get home from work and go through the motions daily routine of talking to your significant other (whether on the phone or in person).  You get the redundant, expected info from her about her day: Irritating co-worker, what she had for lunch, blah, blah, blah, etc.  She’s on her spill when all of a sudden, she stops mid-sentence to say, “Oh, and guess who tried to holla at me today?” 

Homer Simpson:  Urge to kill… rising.

She then continues to go on about some gold-grill, extra crisply, Jerome-looking guy smelling like Sex Panther, who tried to talk to her.  She goes on about how lame he looked, the corny things he said, blah, blah, blah, etc.  Then she goes into the spill of how she turned him down and how she “HAS A MAN.”

Biggest backhanded compliment ever…

Guess what ladies?  We don’t wanna hear that sh**!

Why?  Glad you asked.  Cue up Earth, Wind, & Fire.  These are the reasons:

1. We know you’re frontin!  Sure, you’re quick  to complain and point out the Roland Martin lookin’ dude who tried to get at you… You tell us because you want us to get in the amen-corner with you on how he would have the audacity to even talk to you.  You feel he’s almost beneath you in a sense.  We understand.  Good for you.  A woman will be quick to mention to her man the uber-lame guys who approached her… but would you mention that Idris-Morris-Kodjoe-Bush (or whoever y’all ogle over nowadays) pulled up in a Ferrari, lavished you with compliments, and wanted to take you out?  Would you mention that for a second you thought about giving him the draws number, before turning him down because you have a man?  Exactly. 

2. We’re men.  We already know these things.  So you’re mad that some guy approached you in Walmart while your hair was pinned back/in a scarf, you had on sweats, and were in straight up lounge mode?  It’s a well known fact that men like azz.  And azz, last time I checked, looks especially great in sweat pants.  So I guess you could say… We’ll holla at anything!  You look like a clone of Macy Gray & Esther Role in the face, but got a fatty?  Holla! Holla!  Holla!  No makeup on and buckshots in your head?  We’re not trying to smash your buckshots!  Aunt Flo just came in town, you’re feeling bloated, and rockin’ one your worst fits?  Lemme get that nummmmba!  It’s a well known fact that every woman gets stared at, approached, commented on, glared at, etc, at least 2.5 times a day. 

3. Do you need a compliment?  Maybe your man doesn’t give you enough compliments.  Maybe he’s starting to take you for granted.  So casually letting him know that another guy wants you is letting him know that he needs to step his game up.  You could just let him know directly, but that would be too much like right.

4. You can dish it out, but can’t take it.  We don’t even have to mention Beyonce groped us in the elevator this morning.  All we have to do is mention how that sweater you bought us caused Precious to give us the effdashytouttayou eye… and you’ll be ready to cut her! 

So, ladies, remember this next time you think about telling your guy about who tried to holla at you.  We know we’re not the only guy who finds you attractive.  We just like to believe we are.  Stroke that ego, baby!  Stroke that ego!

Good night and good luck!

Tags: love, men, Relationships, Trillionaire Wood, women

Bad Taste in My Mouth

Valentines Day leaves a bad taste in my mouth like those nasty little chalky hearts with the stupid messages.

Well the 3 of you that read this blog on the regular know I’m not big on holidays, so you already know that Valentines Day is just another day to me.  I hate the idea that I’m required to show you love on one day a year.  And the only reason it hurts low self-esteem having women people is because they are comparing their situation to others.  Well let me give you some reasons to stop worrying about if you didn’t get any Valentines Day goodies from your loved one.

1.  She may get a red heart full of chocolates today, but a red eye full of swelling tomorrow….  Sometimes big displays of love is just for show.  Is he/she treating them with respect the rest of the year?

2.  Is every day like Valentines day?  Going with point # 1.  Do you get flowers every day anyway.  Then why trip on the one day of year when people jack up the price of everything because they know you will be in the dog house if you don’t buy them.  It’s simple economics people.

3.  Do y’all have the money for what you want?  I say it like my mother use to tell me…

Me: “I want some Jordans!”

Ma Dukes (I’ve always wanted to say that): “You got some Jordan money?”

LOL!

Maybe he decided a long time ago since you raised hell because he didn’t buy you that diamond necklace that you wanted and made you a heart out of construction paper because that’s all he could afford.  It was either diamonds or rent, he decided to opt for keeping a roof over your head.

My fellow nerds…  Am I just being mean and cynical or is Valentines day just another overrated holiday?  Or am I just mad I didn’t get anything for V-Day?

Trillionair€ Wood

aka

Wood the Gr€at

aka

Wood L. J€nkins

Tags: candy, cool, cupid, flowers, holiday, nerd, nerds, nerds at the coo, sweethearts, table, Trillionaire Wood, V-Day, valentine's day

Dude! Where’s my David?

This year marks my 10 year High School Reunion, and I’m sure this will be an interesting event.  Watching people compare their lives with their peers…  Seeing who has done well…  Seeing who has not…  Seeing how Agnes burst out that 300lb cocoon of fat, braces, and think glasses to become jet beauty of the week…  Seeing who reverted back to a Neanderthal…  Seeing who is still reminiscing on the 4 touch downs they scored in a single game.   Like I said…

This is going to be interesting.

But I won’t lie, I did take some time to think about the last ten years of my life, the ups, the downs, and the in-betweens.  And I asked myself, “Is this where I wanted to be?”  The answer is simple:  Hell no!  I was “conversating” with my boy the other day and he put it all into perspective.  He asked the question… “Where is my David?”

I asked him to explain himself.  He went on to say that David was one of Michelangelo’s greatest masterpieces and he created by the age of 25.  Now I’ve done some great things in my day, but to create a sculpture that has been world renown for centuries has far surpassed that one legendary house party I threw that everybody came to.

Well, this is put up or shut up time.  I could have taken time to do the usual stuff people do.  Make excuses as to why I don’t have my masterpiece…my poor background, Michelangelo isn’t the norm, etc.  But I decided to ask myself constructively why I hadn’t created my David, and I implore you to ask yourself the same.  These are the reasons I feel like my David is still a huge block of marble…

1. No focus… I, like most people at this point in my life, spent a lot of time on delusions of grandeur.  Not that dreams aren’t great.  But stop dreaming and get to work.  Time.  “she keeps on passin’ me by”.

2. You slacker… I bet if anyone looks at their life they don’t realize just how much time their wasting.  I mean you are reading a blog right now from a no-talent writer and I’m sure there is something more important you could be doing.

3.   No plans… I don’t know how many times I have heard, “N!gga we about to be big on this scene!!!”  Usually it surrounds the entertainment industry:  Rapping, promoting etc.  Like black people are only limited to that industry. (That’s another post entirely).  And generally their plans are worse than the underpants gnomes.

4.  Too much fear… But what if I fail?   So what?!!  Learn from it, get up, and keep it moving.  Stop being a little Kobe ( it’s my new word for b!tch)

My fellow nerds what other advice do you have for me to inspire me to get my David done?

I’ll be back to read after I sit on the couch daydreaming about my many hustles that I won’t write down because I don’t feel like it and I’m too scared to try.

- Trillionaire Wood  a*k*a Wood the Great.

Tags: al bundy, cool, high school, life plans, married with children, michelangelo, nerds, nerds at the cool table, reunion, southpark, table, the david, Trillionaire Wood, underpants gnomes

Soulmates, Gnomes, Unicorns, and The Tooth Fairy

So I’m wondering…
Is there a such thing as a soulmate,
Or is it a lemon dream that somebody sold me?
Is there a person whom God destined for me
Since I came out the womb and took my first steps like a probate?
Is it a fad or a gimmick?
If she’s at some type of party, church service, some type of function… I’m in it
I wonder how in the world can we be kindred spirits
When we both grown as h*ll and ain’t ever been out the city limits?!?!

Is there a such thing as a soulmate,
Or is it a lemon dream that somebody sold me?
It gets “cumber” with “some”
How can a lady be my earth when there ain’t nothing new under the sun?’
So if she’s the one that got away or, rather, she skidaddle’d
How do I know there ain’t three more like her somewhere in Seattle?
Perhaps she has a clone in Rome, or most certainly
A South African look-a-like, a doppelganger in Germany
I’m saying… is there a such thing as a soulmate,
Or is it a lemon dream that somebody sold me?
I guess the question’s rhetorical for the moment
Just my ramblings at 4:36 in the morning…

What do you think?  Do you believe in soulmates?  Do you believe you have found or come across your soulmate?  Leave a comment and join the discussion!

Tags: love, nerds at the cool table, Relationships, soulmates, valentine's day