Breaking up is hard to do.
When you wake up one day and realize that it’s over, the hardest part is actually doing the breaking up. Us guys have mastered the art of, “It’s not you. It’s me. Blah, blah, blah.” But no matter how hard we try to spare your feelings, we all know what’s up. See you ladies hear what we say, but we’re actually saying something else. Since this caffeine has me extra amped today, I’m going to provide the ladies out there with a list of what we actually mean. Let’s get to it…
Realest Break-up Lines Ever (What we actually mean):
1. You got lucky. You caught me at a time when I was willing to settle. But like Drake said… my reality just set in.
2. You’re a 7.5 on a scale of 1-10. You’re smart. You’re ambitious. You have a good job, and a lot of good things going for yourself. The lovin’ is even good, ya know? But I think I can get at least an 8.
3. I’m just not that into you.
4. Honestly, I’m selfish and I just want to sleep with as many women as possible.
5. Come on! It’s college! Who gets serious in college?
6. Rap music has poisoned my outlook on life. After countless hours of listening to Wayne & Drake, I now live by the mantra, “Money over b*****s.” And you, sweetheart, aren’t money.
7. I just feel like I can do better.
8. I used to have a jumpoff who got it in like her name was Pinky Cashmere Lane. Whew! Now you’re good, but I wish you got it in like that. The crazy part about it is I would look at you differently afterward. Guess you can’t win for losing, huh?
9. My mama don’t like you.
10. You hook up a mean baked mac’ n cheese while naked with heels on. You’re an upgrade from my ex who was a 7.5. You’re an 8. My boys drool over you. You can throw back shots of 99 Apples and write an opinion piece on why the public healthcare option actually promotes competition. My mama likes you. Your head game is guaranteed to get you at least 4 karats. You keep it right & tight. You’re perfect!… but you’re not a virgin.
We live our lives constantly in search of an upgrade. How did this happen?